[lurker]

All too rarely, Airline Attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety
lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "Senior" Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot
said, Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your Flight Attendants."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight
Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the Flight Attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."

And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to
have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having
to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, a Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence ----- followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Coach yelled, "that's nothing!" -- "You should see the back of mine!!!"