[jeezeweeze]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was
looking for a little something "extra" for my wife. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darti ng back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries,
right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions,
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the
batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY
hurt all that bad..

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when
you zap yourself.

You will not le t go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-... that hurt!!! A minute or
> >>>so Later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the
landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.