[lurker]

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question
the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing
me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing
out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't...No one wants to hear me sing.