[Lone Gunman]

Q. What does HMO stand for?
> A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
> back
> to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
> patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
> enough in the eye.
>
> Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
> want?
> A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
> will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The
> doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer
> accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
> participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is
> still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
> half-day's
> drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
>
> Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
> A. No. Only those you need.
>
> Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
> A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
>
> Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
> A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
>
> Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
> I
> tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
> do?
> A. Poke yourself in the eye.
>
> Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
> A. You really shouldn't do that.
>
> Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
> my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
> right in his/her office?
> A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
> co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
>
> Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
> A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
>
> To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll need it!),
>
>