Why I do not write advice columns

[Flying Dutchman]

I have just got to rant a bit here.

Do any of you read the advice columns in the papers? I mean the ones in the Globe and Hutch papers. Is it just me, or does it seem that idiots abound and have learned how to write enough to send letters to these people? I am truly amazed at just how stupid some people are…..
Probably why I would never make it as an advice column person. I am paraphrasing a bit here, because I do not recall the exact words but I do remember the jist of what these people wrote. If they wrote to me, this is how I would answer them:

Dear Dutchman:
I am an attractive 40 year old lady who has been married to “Dweeb” for 5 years now. He is a kind and generous man and makes a very good living (he has a Masters). The problem is with his daughter. She is now 15 and very spoiled. Every time she comes over to stay, which is every other weekend, she sleeps in the same bed with him. I have to sleep in the spare room. She has done this, according to him, since she was a small child. She has her own lavish bedroom and bathroom here, but she insists on sleeping with him. I do not believe anything is going on, but it does kind of upset me. Should I say something? I’ve tried before, but he just waves me off and doesn’t talk about it. Signed “Nancy”

Dear Nancy:
You are an idiot. I mean, you are truly stupid or suffer from a severe case of cranialrectumitus. Let’s see…you’ve been married to this, this, well let’s just call him a pervert, for 5 years and you just now find this odd? You have got to be kidding me, I mean……come on. Tell you what hun, give me your number. Drop that loser, hook up with me instead. I do not have a 15 year old daughter that sleeps with me, but I do have a couple of 30 year old lady “friends” that occasionally do. Nothing is going on and they just hang out here every other week. I am sure you wouldn’t mind sleeping in the garage while they come over. Oh, what the hell, you can sleep with us ok? But, that might lead to something……..
“Nancy”, you need to find at least two living brain cells in your skull….get them together so they can form some type of cohesive thought……and wake up and smell the Barbie perfume on the pillow……..sheesh.


Dear Dutchman:
7 years ago my sister got married. It was a beautiful wedding and they invited many, many guests. The problem started after the wedding. I do not have much money but I did get them a very pretty gift. Well, she did not send me a thank you note! Proper etiquette says that she is supposed to. I seen her many times after the wedding and she never so much as said thank you to me! I decided to quit talking to her about 4 years ago because I was so mad. Am I wrong? Signed: “Confused sister”

Dear Confused:
You are an idiot. Is your life so petty that this truly matters? Did you write this note or have somebody else do it because, I’m sorry, but you seem to be to dimwitted to be able to form sentences, mush less a whole paragraph. You haven’t talked to your sister for 4 years because she did not thank you for the chrome plated bagel warmer you bought her? Hun……you seriously need to quit watching HGTV all day, wishing some homosexual would come and redo your crappy interior in “chocolate” and “burnt umber”, pick up the phone….you know, that thing sitting by your Dollar General talking photo frame with a picture of your poodle in it……call your sister and beg forgiveness for being such a dildo. Get a damn life!




Yeah, maybe I should not be an advice person.

[notyoubob]

Check out Advicegoddess.com

[jeezeweeze]

Originally Posted by Flying Dutchman

Yeah, maybe I should not be an advice person.

Oh yes you should ....I would even pay for a subscription just to read your column

[pootsy]

um I think you are ****ing funny and I would love to read your advise anyday.

[Helper]

yeah me too, hey maybe Admin could start an advise column here "Ask Dutchie!"
......


Dear Dutchie, I was in a porn film some time ago.............



Nah seriously I think it would be a good idea.

[Tee]

Originally Posted by jeezeweeze

Oh yes you should ....I would even pay for a subscription just to read your column

Me too!

I'd like to see his editorials.

[357 mag]

That is freaking hilarious!!!! I would soooo pay money for that! LMAO

[wordsmythe]

If you'd pay for that you should read Savage Love for free!

Savage Love - April 9, 2008 | The A.V. Club

[357 mag]

That's pretty cool thanks!

[aft_lizard01]

There used to be a column exactly like that in one of the enquirer type magazines.