Calling the White House

[notyoubob]

Calling the White House

"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard.
Our new voice-activated system will help direct you to the proper
office."

"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling
of the war in Iraq, press one."

"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners
and the White House's endorsement of torture, press 2,
and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain
about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that
it is pronounced Abu GRABE, and not Abu grahb).

"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American
citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that
these calls will be recorded."

"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous
mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please
press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal
Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hrs,
without anyone picking up the phone, please hang up and send a
letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt
reply within one year.

"If you are calling regardin the Administration's unwillingness to
enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct your
thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which
can explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where
you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your
local area."

"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please
call the private line. It is always open.

"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle,
please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should
proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please
understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit
and that you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring
bankruptcy."

"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit
or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please
press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the
surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want
to hear about it."

"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to
block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease
that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured
through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling
with new research findings or important clinical data, please
hang up, we don't want to hear from you."

"If you are calling to express concern about global warming
and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press
9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are
forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist
we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at
Exxon 4-2611."

"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to
"privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound
key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at
Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your
savings in the stock market."

"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public
schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10
and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly."

"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who
will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and
the President will be with you immediately."

"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy,
press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making
more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than
a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy,
press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year
and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling
on you, please call back in a couple of years."

"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options
again. Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure
to serve you!"