christmas with Louise

[jeezeweeze]

"Christmas with Louise
> >
> > As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his
> > fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill
> > them.
> >
> > What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true
> > because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
were
> > overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
> >
> > One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> > sunglasses
> > and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell
those
> > things
> > at Walmart.
> >
> > I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been
> > in
> > an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an
> > hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who
> > would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I
> > wanted
> > to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a
> > passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during
> > rush
> > hour.
> >
> > Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many
> > different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box,
> > could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled
> > for
> > 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
> > Louise a
> > "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
> >
> > On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise
> > came
> > to life.
> >
> > My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee
> > morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling
> > pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies
> > and
> > drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home,
> > and
> > giggled for a couple of hours.
> >
> > The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to
> > his
> > house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the
> > dog
> > confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark
> > some
> > more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so
the
> > rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the
> > traditional Christmas dinner.
> >
> > My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door.
> > "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,
"It's
> > a
> > doll."
> >
> > "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had
> > several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
> >
> > "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
> >
> > "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to
> > steer
> > her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she
> > have
> > any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
> > Christmas
> > and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on
> > Granny! Hang on!"
> >
> > My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled
> > up
> > to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I
told him
> > she
> > was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel,
> > talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then
> > that
> > we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
> >
> > The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had
> > died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made
> > a
> > noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning.
> > Then
> > she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in
> > a
> > heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry
sauce
> > through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
knees, and
> > began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell
back
> > over
> > his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped
> > out
> > of the room, and sat in the car.
> >
> > It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later
in my
> > brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
> > cause of
> > Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a
hot
> > ember
> > to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug
> > called
> > "duct tape", we restored her to perfect health.
> >
> > Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I
> > think
> > Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
> >