Joke Bank

[lurker]

Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart
and they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five
tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or
so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I
love spaghetti!"

Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[lurker]

Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet
young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am.
Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" She asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" She asked.
"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir."
"What size? And style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything
else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as
the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked,
"Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer
is four inches...................."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger
than that!"
And the Texan continued......................................... ..
"From the floor ma'am.................From the floor !"

[lurker]

Some guys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the man.

"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the guy replies.

"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the guy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck ******* kills family pet."

[lurker]

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring just the right wind direction and speed. Driving his partner absolutely nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner say, "Why are you taking so long? Just hit the blasted Ball!!!"

The guy answers, "Look, my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Ah, forget it man, you're never gonna hit her from here..."

[lurker]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[lurker]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After several years of searching, he finally finds a theatre where they seem prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. At the opening you walk on stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!

"Arghhhhhh! You idiot!" he cries. "You've ruined me!"

The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[lurker]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

the Catholic type supports the masses,

the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[lurker]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented
goat's milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start
reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."

"You must be so proud" says the other.

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[lurker]

you know you're from California if

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1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[lurker]

Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds
united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the
suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.

Democracy is having time set aside to worship -- 18 years
if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields
of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.

Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of
the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of
campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.

Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but
free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within
a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within
two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and
god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out
of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow
the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13
tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.