Joke Bank

[lurker]

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef -
figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it,
I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working
for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian -
until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.


SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[lurker]

A handy guide to Motorcycle Maintenance.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race
out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the workshop, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front mudguard.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG PINE 4x2: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night.

Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.

More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 kilometers away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a impact gun that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and
rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[lurker]

In case you didn't know,,,,,

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects
you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could
be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
wrong way.

[lurker]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

24. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

25. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

[lurker]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown


18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

--Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed to be deceased.

[lurker]

KIDS WILL BE KIDS




JACK (3) was watching his Mom breast feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

ANDREA (4) was singing and humming, filled with the joy of life. Full of smiles, she turned to her dad and said: "I'm so happy I could vomit."


MARC (4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

[hoarsewhisperer]

Eddie and Tony worked together in the garment factory and were both laid off. At the unemployment office, Eddie was asked his occupation.

"Panty stitcher. I stitch da elastic in ladies' panties," he replied.

Being unskilled labor, Eddie was given 100 dollars a week.

When the clerk asked Tony what his occcupation was, he replied, "Diesel fitter," and, since this is skilled work, he was given 200 dollars a week.

When Eddie found out Tony was getting 100 dollars more a week, he was furious. He stormed back to the unemployment office and demanded to know why his pal was getting more money.

The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas diesel fitting was skilled work.

"What skill?" yelled Eddie, "I sew da elastic on da panties. Tony puts them over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[hoarsewhisperer]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms
of bird flu.

If you experience any of the following, please seek medical
treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

[lurker]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

[lurker]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00. The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pileup.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......"




" Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".