Joke Bank

[lurker]

Cyrus asks: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

[lurker]

WHY DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?
Through a Child's eye.

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

[lurker]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[lurker]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and
one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this
country actually eat doGs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a
hot doG vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two doGs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps
both hot doGs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to
unwrap their "doGs."

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins
to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans
over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What
part did you get?

[lurker]

The NIKE Executives couldn't enlist the support of third world child labor to help them however I can hear tech support now:

"Tower this is Gulfstream-5xj, we're having a problem with our landing gear, can we get some assistance. Over.”

“Gulfstream-5xj, this is the control tower, you’re cleared to land on runway 14.”

“Tower, to repeat, we’re having trouble with our landing gear, we can’t land. We need help. Over.”

“We copy that 5xj. Please land on runway 14.”

“Tower let me repeat: Our landing gear is stuck, we CAN’T land.”

“5xj, this is tower. Our recommendation is to just do it. “

“No! That’s not funny! Come up with something else!”

“Fine. Fly low, do a touch and go landing. Maybe that will shake it loose.”

“Didn’t work Tower. What else?”

“Just try it again.”
“Still didn’t work Tower. What else?”

“ Quitters never win, 5xj”

“Is there somebody else we can work with, maybe at Gulfstream? We’re running out of fuel and we aren’t getting very good support here.”

“HA! You need the motion control model!”

“Actually I saw that one coming tower, that was my fault. But seriously, how do we get down?”

“CJ, you’re going to have to somehow get down into the wheelwell and pry that wheel loose. It’s not designed as an interior-access panel, but a small person should be able to get in there.”

“Tower, I’m 6’ 7”, there’s no way I can fit down in there.”

“Bet you wish you had some of those child laborers NOW, huh?”

“That was very low, tower. Get us the @#$% down! We’re out of fuel!”

“ALRIGHT, alright, watch your tongue. Ha! We have a top guy from Gulfstream here right now. You know, if he gets you down ok, he’ll be a shoe-in for CEO next year.”

“Stop it!”

Gulfstream expert:
“Alright CJ, from our experience try coming down hard one more time. Our calculations show that the wheel came out a little on each prior attempt, it should be out far enough to support a full landing with one more good jolt. We’ll watch you go by and then based on what we see we may recommend something else. I suggest something with more aft-support.”

“Not you, too! We’re about to crash here! We need more help!”

“Look, we don’t have unlimited resources, we’re on kind of a shoe-string budget here. And I never said I was straight-laced, 5xj. ”

“Here we come! What’s that thing stretched across the runway?”

“Push through it! The boys put a finish line tape across so you’d feel at home.”

“AARRRRGGGHH!”

[lurker]

Famous Quotations


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

[hoarsewhisperer]

45 year old marriage down the drain
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.

[lurker]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[lurker]

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68,
and 78?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

[lurker]

Katz are Krewl and not human like doGs.

Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".

Following are the rules for "hampering":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.

Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so they cannot move around.