Joke Bank

[lurker]

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names."

The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

[wordsmythe]

Three guys leave the bar after a night of drinking and go home.

The next night they get together to talk about what happened the night before and it typical male fashion it turns into a contest.

The first guy says : I was so drunk when I left here last night that I blew chunks in my front yard with all my neighbors watching.

Second guy says: That’s nothing. When I left here last night I was so drunk I crashed my car into a cop car and I JUST got out of jail.

Third guy says: That is NOTHING. When I left here last night I went home, woke my wife, JUST to start shit with her, we got into a fight, knocked over a candle, and the WHOLE house burned down… we lost everything and my wife left.

First guys simply says: You guys don’t understand… Chunks… Well Chunks is my dog.

[lurker]

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had
been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come
in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to
get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do
that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to
your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that;
you really don't want to make him mad!" "Rubbish," replied the young
alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge
explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew
the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled
mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness,
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked
dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking
his big green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried
one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy,
peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've
learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien.
"When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick
it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

[lurker]

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee |
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of
the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn
that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and
what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd |
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women
stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church |
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set
the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are
called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are,"Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear".

[lurker]

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya."

[lurker]

A waiter asks a man, "may I take your order, sir?"
"Yes", the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

[hoarsewhisperer]

Don't fart in Bed


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years.The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued
to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all
the spare parts anda malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently
pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
andI didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[lurker]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

[lurker]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult!

However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," advised the pastor.

"We know." assented the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

[lurker]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages Of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.