Joke Bank

[lurker]

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for
a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six,
nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head
and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few
items ! and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to
mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
"divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady! at work was seen putting a credit card into
her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as
to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and
they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience
store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier
and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor
home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to
make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor work! s in the operations department in the
central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from
a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if
she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating
ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant
killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!

[lurker]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and
the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
Retriever sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to
help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
for eight years running." "But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."


The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are
you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh!t."

[lurker]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's a final report on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is what kills you.

[Made in the USA]

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is what kills you.
__________________

80% of Dodge City is in good health then!!

[lurker]

Damn Unions often require a specialist on a jobsite and the general workers can't work until the specialist gets through. 15 paid workers wait and watch....

[lurker]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?"

[lurker]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..." This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians."

[lurker]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.


Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it . She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."


So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"


I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

[lurker]

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a
trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purpose."
Skeptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head, looked into the mirror and saw the best haircut he'd ever had.

There was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, 25 cents." Why not thought the salesman. He inserted the money and stuck his hands into the slot.

When he pulled them out 15 seconds later they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives 50 Cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and, with some anticipation, stuck IT into the opening. When the machine started buzzing the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman withdrew IT to find a button sewed onto the end.

[lurker]

The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.


The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.



The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.



At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.



In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Frank, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."