Joke Bank

[lurker]

The 87 year old man said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old man stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy sh!t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

[hoarsewhisperer]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained

that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

And she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around

to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women

(with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are.

Please remove your picture and send the rest back."


NOW THERE IS A REAL MARINE

[hoarsewhisperer]

HOLY SEASON
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

[hoarsewhisperer]

Father like son.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about
1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly
squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he
says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education are coming up with! Why, they actually have
a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do
I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3
way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy
calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but
you just won't believe this - they've had such good
results with this program, that they've implemented a
new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have
to do to get

him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk
nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's
Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This
morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in
the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading
the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still
messin' around with that little redhead who lives on
Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that S O B before
he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy

[hoarsewhisperer]

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. Thebumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh,whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[lurker]

A man called his ex-wife's law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to her lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but Mr. Smith was dead.

The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.

The next day, the man rang again and asked if he could talk to Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him two times that he was dead.

The man replied, I know that, I just like hearing it!

[hoarsewhisperer]

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is acredit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

*****

Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said **** you. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

[lurker]

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.


However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.


The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!


One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[lurker]

Two middle aged men who hadn't seen each other in years got together one afternoon for a round of golf. During their game and conversations John asked Bill, "How is your wife Mary? I haven't seen her in several years."

Bill answered, "She might have died."

Startled, John said, "She might have died? What do you mean she might have died?"

"Well" Bill continued, "The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up in the kitchen sink!"

[hoarsewhisperer]

Originally Posted by lurker

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.


However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.


The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!


One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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