Joke Bank

[lurker]

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have the fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend athe back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other taxi drivers.

[lurker]

The Evolution of a Mother-of-Three

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

[lurker]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

[lurker]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

14. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

15. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

16. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

17. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

18. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

19. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

20. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

21. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

22. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

23. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

24. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

25. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

26. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

27. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

28. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

29. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

30. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What the hell happened?"

[Highwayman]

20. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I don't know, but the switch on the wall turns it off real fast.

[lurker]

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,
China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just
As Evil", which they said would be "more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis" President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as
having, "for starters, a really dumb name". "Right. As if they are just as
evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
knows we're the best evils? eh evilest? that we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they had asked if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They
told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II
you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have
three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical
chairs.

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of
Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of
Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established
the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host
the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while
Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That
Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something
we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he
rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay",
accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials
from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Norguay denied the charges.

Norguay's king Harald can't understand the rejection "I filled out the
application myself."

[lurker]

The Houston Texans
Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Houston Texans.

Q: What do the Houston Texans and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell Jesus Christ.

Q: How do you keep a Houston Texan out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Houston in case of a tornado?
A: To Reliant Stadium - they never get a touchdown there.

Q: What do you call a Houston Texan with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't San Antonio have a professional football team?
A: Because then Houston would want one.

Q: What's the difference between the Houston Texans and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Houston Texans does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Houston Texans and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

[lurker]

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway (the main road to Mombasa):
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN A$$?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

[lurker]

Kats are so demanding....

[Kodiak]

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised
Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."