Joke Bank

[Bubba]

<CENTER>The Ultimate Female Fantasy...</CENTER>

In a recent Harris poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the men said a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been cross-verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men don't realize that in this female-fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Avid Golfers....

A man and a business acquaintance are playing golf one day. The man is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His acquaintance says: "Wow, that's the most thoughtful and touching thing I've seen in a long time. You're truly a kind man."

The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

[blondemoments]

SAD NEWS
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

THE FUNERAL
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted.

[blondemoments]

THREE APPLICANTS

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you'd like to be cops?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. He opened it up, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features in a suspect."

He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde, and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It's a profile of his face. You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes," said the second blonde. "He only has one ear." The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear. You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but let's try this again." He held the photo in front of her for a few seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right. His bio says he wears contacts. How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[blondemoments]

NEW PRIEST
A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession. One day, after several hours in the confessional, he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repeatedly came up. The priest asked, "Sister Margaret, what's a hummer?" The nun replied, "A hundred bucks."

VOCABULARY LESSON
Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a leak." The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Tony thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten."

[blondemoments]

TURNED ON
Q: What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?
A: A Gepettophile.

SWIMMING PROHIBITED
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

[lurker]

Originally Posted by madam X

I borrowed lurker's Magic 8 Ball and checked the headlines for 2029!

*Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

*Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States' crops and livestock.

*Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

*Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

*Middle East still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

*France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

*Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

*George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2032. Vows to find Bin Laden.

*Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.84 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

*85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

*Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

*Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

*Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

*Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

*Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Last white player enters nursing home.

*New federal law requires that all hatchets, meat forks, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by July 1, 2030.

*Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

*Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

*Congress replaces Estate Tax with Conception Tax. IRS faces layoffs if birth rate drops.

and ......

*Florida voters confused by new voting machines.

.........

[lurker]

The job interview:






.

[lurker]

TRAGEDY


Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room! goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?! "

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Highwayman]

[lurker]

Murphys Law for Law enforcement

Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains.
Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
Coffee machines only break down on the graveyard shift.
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.
To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
You will remain in perfect health until your days off.
Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests might be.
The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat.
Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.
You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.
The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.
You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation.
In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.
Do unto others, but do it first.
Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway.
You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.
Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.
Waterproof boots aren't.
You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhea.
You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL.
Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.
There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.
There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.
To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!
Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee!
No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's.
If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.
When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road.
You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.
Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you.
If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.
The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening .
Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit.
You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection.
K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public.
The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit.
Court will be cancelled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.
You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.
When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing!
The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.
You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station.
Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to ensure that you get a cluster call and end up on overtime.
It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything, and it will always be slow as hell when you are looking for something to do.
Just when you are thinking about making a "pit stop" in case you are called on an emergency, they call you on an emergency.
Crime only occurs on days that end in "Y".
You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year.
Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage.
When placing cuffs on a suspect, you will always close them to the point that it takes half an hour to back them up so blood can circulate.
The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call.
Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase.
The only time Chief's come out from behind their desk is to overreact!
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken.
Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH.
You will always get a "hot" call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail.
For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it.
The one time you order that expensive lunch is the only time you are told by dispatch to break for a hot call, right after the food is served of course.
The one unimportant fact that you forget to record at a crime scene will be the one that the defense cross examine you about and that the prosecutor tells you is "Crucial to this case!"
Out of 10 traffic stops, the violator you gave a warning to instead of a cite is the one who files a personnel complaint against you.
After taking a sign language course, you use sign to a deaf driver and citizens call the station to complain about seeing you doing strange things and touching yourself on a traffic stop.
The intensity and number of war stories told is inversely proportional to the street experience of the storyteller.
Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway.
When a cop does something right, no one remembers, When a cop does something wrong, no one forgets.
The "big" pay raise will always come next year.
One day you will know why your FTO was so picky and cranky.
No matter how quiet the radio has been, an emergency call will be dispatched in your beat just after you stop your first car of the night.
You only lock yourself out of the squad car, when your portable radio is not working.
On the day you make the felony arrest of your career, just as the news mini cams arrive your zipper will break.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The only time there is paper in the dispenser at the station is when you don't need it.
When you come to the last form in the file, only you will burn copies of it.
Departmental Intelligence Units....aren't very.
The higher the oath, the bigger the lie...except when your Sergeant is telling the story.
Just when you get a nice brand new squad car, the first offender you pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car.
The only consistent thing about any law enforcement agency, will be its inconsistency.
When you get old, with lots of experience, and need the peace and quiet, they will pair you up with a rookie!
Right after you use your last pair of rubber gloves is when you get the call that involves the person that is HIV+ - and covered in blood.
The day you are completely broke, is the day that the restaurant that usually pops for your meal decides to charge you full price.