Joke Bank

[Bubba]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that is my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Mercedes in the garage, no more Country Club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

The wife says, "Well, ours is much prettier!"

[Bubba]

A pirate was talking to a 'land-lubber' in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

[Bubba]

Three friends who work together get off work one day and go to a bar and get rip roaring drunk, they then lose track of each other going their seperate ways. The next day they all congregated by the water cooler and began relating what had happened after they had left the bar.

The first guy said, "Man, I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy looked disgusted and said, "Bah, that's nothing. I got so drunk I hopped in my car and drove it off a cliff. I was just lucky I was thrown clear otherwise I wouldn't be standing here. The car is a total loss though."

The third guy looked at the both of them and said, "That's a cake walk compared to what I went through. I went to my apartment and my girlfriend started arguing with me because I came home drunk off my ass. I was so mad I threw a chair at her and knocked a candle off a table into the curtains. The curtains caught fire and burned my whole apartment down. I've lost everything, and my girlfriend has left me. What could be worse then that?"

The first guy just shook his head, "No, no. You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

[lurker]

How many forum posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

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1 to change the light bulb and to post that the lightbulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing lightbulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "lightbulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing lightbulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different lightbulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes lightbulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the lightbulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the lightbulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on lightbulbs before posting questions about lightbulbs"
and ...
... 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[lurker]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[lurker]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm shooting.

[lurker]

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question
the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing
me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing
out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't...No one wants to hear me sing.

[lurker]

I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and
saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of
my house. they were going to position it directly in front of my picture
window. No way, absolutely no way was I going to permit this. I gulped
down my last bit of coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor
and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not going to permit his crew
to put that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture
window.

He took out a plat map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document and explained that it is the best location for it. I told him
it is not the best location for me and when I came home from work
that day I did not want to find that pole in front of my window. I told
him I didn't give a hoot where he put it but not in front of my
window. I felt pretty good as I drove off to work because I felt I got my
point across.

I know darn well they are afraid to put it there now....
Ah..... the feeling of power............

Who does this make lurker think of?

[Bubba]

LOL Is that real? Or, did somebody get creative with photoshop?

[Made in the USA]

How many forum posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lurker, this was great!!