Joke Bank

[lurker]

The Truth about Car Ads

MUST SELL

....before it blows up.

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK

....was blindsided by a Winnebego.

LOOKS LIKE NEW

....just don't try to drive it anywhere.

ALL ORIGINAL

....I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

LOADED WITH OPTIONS

....each one more troublesome than the next.

NEVER SMOKED IN

....unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

PROJECT CAR

....doesn't run.

LOTS OF POTENTIAL

....with major repairs.

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR

...doesn't run.
__________________

[lurker]

What is Life Without Email

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

[blondemoments]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward."

"Then, after dinner, you are going to draw my bath so I can relax. And When I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"







can you guess what she said?





Girls, your gonna love this


His wife replied, "The fricken funeral director..."

[K C Muffin]

Originally Posted by blondemoments

Girls, your gonna love this

This girls likes!!!!!

[lurker]

Lancelot's Choice


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?






What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?















































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




Scroll down










The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are going to get ugly !

[K C Muffin]

[lurker]

We should have thought of this before:

"U.S. Redneck Special Forces"
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a
new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck
Special Forces. These North Carolina, South Carolina,Alabama, Arkansas, West
Virginia,Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi,Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.

[lurker]

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an
affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, VP of Marketing. She said, "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
09. White Trashfindel
08. Big Red Gulp
07. World Championship Riesling
06. NASCARbernet
05. Chef Boyardeaux
04. Peanut Noir
03. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
02. Grape Expectations

And the Number One name for Wal-Mart wine:
01. Nasti Spumante

The real beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

[Jolly Rancher]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when
they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an
American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured
Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both
took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable,
lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted
Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts
like a frigid, mean spirited woman and was as ugly as a mud
fence!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so is Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road,
shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[lurker]

Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests
but there is one more test Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America.

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk.

I talked to him yesterday.