Joke Bank

[lurker]

Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2006. . .

1) A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have Nylon and Velcro up your butt?

2) Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3) A REAL man. Hey, maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4) Arms that actually bend, so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5) Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6) A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7) A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8) A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a mini container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9) No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10) Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's just that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

[lurker]

http://www.danstoys.com/mod.htm
hehehe

[Highwayman]

[Made in the USA]

Kinda enjoyable first thing in the morning, Lurker!! Thanks!

[lurker]

The Pope and the Republicans


The Pope was on a tour of Alaska. He took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along a campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.



A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.



As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.



One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat! .



As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes is not true."



As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy ?" "It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."



"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting..... By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?

[Kodiak]

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when I am on my own"

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?" "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it".

[hoarsewhisperer]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

[hoarsewhisperer]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

[hoarsewhisperer]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

[lurker]

Bubba stormed into the Doctor's Office with B-Lou (that's short for Betty-Lou Thema-Liz) and demanded the Doctor to fix her that day.

The Dr. agreed that some birth control was necessary cuz they already had 9 kids but wundered aloud what made it so important that day.....

Bubba said; "I heard that 1 out of every 10 kids born was Mexican. B-Lou don't want one and I don't know Spanish!"