Joke Bank

[Highwayman]

Originally Posted by Made in the USA

A bug is traveling at 65 mph???? Must be a fast bug there Hoarsie!!

Must have been a lightening bug.

[Made in the USA]

[hoarsewhisperer]

#1 SMART-ASS ANSWER FOR THE YEAR 2005:




A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[lurker]

Marriage Secrets...
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[lurker]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name is Katz?"

[hoarsewhisperer]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

[Lone Gunman]

>>> >A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
> >>>pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
> >>>Mexico
> >>>our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
> >>>
> >>> >An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
> >>>glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
> >>>He
> >>>says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need
> >>>to drink out of the same glass twice either.
> >>>
> >>> >The Kentucky boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
> >>>throws his glass into the air, pulls out his shotgun and shoots the
> >>>Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we
> >>>have so
> >>>many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
> >>>twice.
> >>>
> >>>"GOD BLESS KENTUCKY!"

[Bubba]

That's mean.....















but I like it.

[lurker]

TINA TROJAN

• Cheerleading, tumbling lessons and camps since age 3: $30,000
• Annual cost of attending USC: $ 50,000
• Annual cost for staying just the right shade of blonde: $10,000
• Cheering when the other team scores: Priceless

[TexKan]

Just had to include this to the collection....


http://www.sailinganarchy.com/genera.../cool_test.htm