Joke Bank

[Highwayman]

I’m surprised Bigun hasn’t posted this yet. This one is for the girls.

Viking Kittens

[TexKan]

That is soooooo funny......... course I'm partial to cats!!!...... I always wondered what the hell they were sayin...........

[lurker]

REJECTED TITLES FOR "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"

Didn't take long for these to show up,


HIGH NOONER

JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON

TRUE, HE GRITS

POLESMOKE

THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE

BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID

THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE

PAINT YOUR FAG ON

HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG

THE WILD BRUNCH

HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON

THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER

DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID

VERY RAW HIDE

LONESOME DOUG

THE HOARSE SOLDIERS

DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN

MCCABE AND MR. MILLER

A FISTFUL OF NED

HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES

QUICKLY DOWN UNDER

BAREBACK MOUNTING

BONE-NANZA

DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS

HOME ON THE RANGER

OKLAHOMO

ROOSTER COCKBURN

LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

PRANCES WITH WOLVES

BALONEY PONY RODEO

TUBESTEAK COWBOYS

[lurker]

Here. This is my girlfriend. Oh wait I'm married. This is a picture of a girl in my car. Well thats a lie too. After all this is the joke bank. This is a picture of a girl on my PC.

[K C Muffin]

Lurker, can you say Jail Bait ???

[lurker]

1. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?





2. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese
sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!



2. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven
on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said! it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.





4. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!



And the winner is..........



5. Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I
think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Po-leece.

[lurker]

Check out these types of crossbred dogs...

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors -- Send money.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

[lurker]

Too numerous to copy.... but you can post your favorites...

John Wayne Bobbit jokes.

[Highwayman]

Originally Posted by lurker

Too numerous to copy.... but you can post your favorites...

John Wayne Bobbit jokes.

Those jokes are really on the cutting edge……

[hoarsewhisperer]

Actual lawyer quotes I had missed:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
______
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
______
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
______
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______
Were you alone or by yourself?
______
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
______
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
______
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
______
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
______
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
______
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
______
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
______
So, you were gone until you returned?
______
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
______
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
______
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
______
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!