Joke Bank

[hoarsewhisperer]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

[lurker]

This was written in 1944.... geek speak at its finest.

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/retro.wmv

Oh, it's all about Rockwell Automation's Retroincabulator..

[lurker]

Micro(I have to admire a guy who'll name his company after his sex organ)Soft tech support.

[lurker]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up..."

[hoarsewhisperer]

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[hoarsewhisperer]

Four women were driving across the country.
Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and
Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. "We have so many of
these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
her bag and tossing them from the window. "
What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Alabama. "We have so
many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at? them!"

Inspired, the gal from Texas opened the car door and pushed the
Mexican out.

Gotta love those Texas gals..........

[K C Muffin]

I've seen these before, but they're worth passing on again! Enjoy!

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. (and she went to Princeton????)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !) and he wanted to be
President!!!!!!!!!

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
does he know where he almost grew up???.....
--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" (I say all we can get, I'll
take his clean air)
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people." (Oh, well that's different, I
think)??????
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (Gee but he's smart)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[lurker]

Highwayman's a Fordman.... mayhaps he can see that something is really, really wrong with this picture.

[Highwayman]

Originally Posted by lurker

Highwayman's a Fordman.... mayhaps he can see that something is really, really wrong with this picture.

I don’t know what you’re talking about Lurker. I’ve always drove Chevy and GMC.

[lurker]

Oh yes. I confused.... my bad.

Anywhoo... someone on the board where I stol't it decided it was a GM truck. I simply can't imagine lurking that deeply into that picture.