Joke Bank

[TexKan]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits
down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a
beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We
don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in
Billings"
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me
a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end
of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
...........You're gonna love this........
The bar! tender says,
>
>
>
"You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No.

"Then you're a queer."

[lurker]

It could have been a simple 'name change.'

Asian eatery to fill Coli's old location

A new restaurant is going in the short-lived Coli space at Douglas and Market. Philip Sayavong's Bamboo House will offer Thai and Japanese cuisine, including sushi.

[lurker]

I don’t know how many of the people here are employers and employees but this one took the cake... So if yer an employer do not touch this guy with a 10' pole. If yer an employee DO NOT send this as a resume.

With a little tweaking it could be what a Consultant would submit to our Commissioners before they soak us.

To whom it may concern:

I found the presentation of your company in the reader, and I would like to offer my time and experience to you. I would love to work for your company. I want you to know that I have five years of post-college work experience. Coupled with a great personality and a cunning attention to detail and organization, I also have a drive to succeed in any capacity needed. I am looking to make a career change and shine brightly no matter where I fall.

I am a writer before I am a public speaker, but I thrive in an unpredictable environment. I want to be placed in a position where I have the right to act and to choose, the freedom to use my judgment, and my intuition as well, and finally the chance to indulge my taste for calculated risk when I foresee that it is appropriate to advance business initiatives. I believe I would be an asset to your team.

My background lends itself to being successful in a customer service, sales management or human resources role, but I have a multitude of talents that have remained untouched by previous employers. I grew up in a large family. I was the oldest of four children, so I feel that I have been somewhat of a manager all my life. In college I joined a fraternity and took on leadership roles within it that taught me how to deal with people. Upon graduating, I proved myself in a customer service, management, or sales capacity in all the companies I worked for.

I know what I'm like: I'm not someone who can enter into a project without enthusiasm or make a success of it without enjoying what I'm doing. I want you to experience this first-hand. Upon being hired, I will make these positive aspects of my personality available to help you develop your business. Please let me know how I can expedite the pre-employment formalities and prove to everyone involved that I am the best person for the job. My contact information is included on my attached resume.

[Highwayman]

It looks like someone that has what it takes to be a politician or a used car salesman.

Full of BS.

[Highwayman]

Did you know, March 14th was the anniversary of Albert Einstein's
Birthday. He was born in 1879.

Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

He is famous for this theory...It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty..

[Highwayman]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"







That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[TexKan]

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate

funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery,

she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the

$30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost

was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500

and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The

rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?

My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

[lurker]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it but the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hilary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hilary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hilary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[TexKan]

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....









"Pre-dick-a-mints!"