Joke Bank

[lurker]

1. Dear God,
please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda


2. Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce


3. Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet


4. God,
I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison


5. Dear God,
how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene


6. Dear God,
is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita


7. Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy


8. Dear God,
I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn


9. Dear God,
my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis


10. Dear God,
do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?
Nathan


11. Dear God,
did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma


12. Dear God,
in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer


13. Dear God,
how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy


14. Dear God,
please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter


15. Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry


16. Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark


17. Dear God,
my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha


18. Dear God,
if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara


19. Dear God,
is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny


20. Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles


21. Dear God,
it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff


22. Dear God,
I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank


23. Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas

[lurker]

DIAPER HEADS..

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically
incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in
our choice of words.


I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and
want to kill us do not like to be called "Diaper Heads" since the item
they wear on their heads is not a diaper but actually a small, folded
sheet.



Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
"Little Sheet Heads."


Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

[lurker]

Chapter 1: THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run a marathon.

4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6. Things you buy now won't wear out.

7. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

12. Your secrets are safe with your friends...they can't
remember them either.


===========================


Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc, Doc, Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of 'Mylanta'.

10. Musical recliners.



= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =




Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused...you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[lurker]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western
Wall and there he was. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"I feel like I'm talking to a wall."

[lurker]

There was a blond that sat down in first class of an airplane going to Chicago.

A stewardess came over and told her that she needed to move back to coach because this was someone else's seat.

She said "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class."

Well the stewardess didn't know what to do so she went and got the head stewardess and told her what happened.

So the head stewardess goes over the the blond and says that she needs to move back to her seat in coach.

The blond replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"

Well neither stewardess knew what to do so they went and got the captain.

He tells the blond that she needs to go back to her seat in coach.

She tells him "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"

The captain leans down and whispers something in her ear and she jumps up and runs back to coach.

The stewardess' ask him what he told her to finally get her to move.

He says "I told her that First class isn't going to Chicago"

[lurker]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

[lurker]

Check out these types of crossbred doGs...

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a doG for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract doG

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a doG fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a doG for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a doG that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a doG that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a doG that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a doG that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a doG that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + $hitzu = Bull$hitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

[Bubba]

Two rednecks, Buford and Cletus, are driving down the highway, drinking beer, when they come upon a police roadblock. "Damn!" yells Buford. "I can't afford to get busted again. What are we going to do with these full beers?"

"I've got a plan." Says Cletus. Let's slam them down, peel the labels off and put'em on our foreheads, then stash the empties under the seat. Just let me do the talking."

So they finish the beers, paste the labels on their foreheads, and stash the bottles. When they reach the roadblock, the sheriff asks them, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No way, officer," says Cletus, "We're on the patch."

[Bubba]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."




After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[Bubba]

After dropping their wives off at the church bingo, two men were talking about the exploits of their childhood. One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop into his parish church and go to confession.

He told his friend, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

He went into the church and decided to go to confession. He went into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."

The priest replied, "You need to say forty Hail Mary's, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."

The man said, "Yes, Father, they were."

The priest then said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.

The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell..."

The priest said, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O' Brian?"

The man said, "No, Father!"

The priest asked, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?"

Exasperated, the man said, "No, Father, I'm not telling you the names of the women!" and then quickly left the confessional.

As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend asked, "So, how did it go?"

The man said, "Great! Only forty Hail Mary's... and I got two hot leads!"