Joke Bank

[lurker]

New Business Terms...


1. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

2. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

3.Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

4. Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

6. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

7. Career Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

8. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

9. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

10. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message " 404-URL Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

11. Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."

12. Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

13. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my...um...friend."

15. Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

16. Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

17. Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

18. Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

19. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

20. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two Children, and Oppressive Mortgage".

21. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

22. Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

23. Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

24. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

25. G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

26. Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamp

[jeezeweeze]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




Scroll down...You'll love this....



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>'You got Male!'"

[jeezeweeze]

Subject: Father O'Malley

Father O'Malley


Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to your self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk in his voice, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."



************************************************** *******

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the Politician

The cook replied 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of
shit it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook

[lurker]

School Valedictorian
A heartwarming story from an honors student in a government school (sometimes referred to as "public" schools).

Hello, My name be Eboneesha, a African-American girl who jest got an award for being the best speler in class I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting Pregnut during the cemester. It hard to beat a score of 120%. The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from the Bronx . He got 98% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocraps and Liberals for suporting Afermative action. Yo showing us the way to true equality. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor.

Yo fren,
Eboneesha

[Made in the USA]

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He was pissed!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
I said, "Which one are you?"

[jeezeweeze]

Cowboy Whisperer
>>
>> A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black
>> Hills.
>>
>> Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to
>> him?"
>>
>> Indian: "Dog no talk."
>>
>> Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
>>
>> Dog: "Doin' all right."
>>
>> Indian: (Look of shock!)
>>
>> Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the
>>Indian.)
>>
>> Dog: "Yep."
>>
>> Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
>>
>> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
>>great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
>>
>> Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
>>
>> Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>>
>> Indian: "Horse no talk."
>>
>> Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
>>
>> Horse: "Cool."
>>
>> Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
>>
>> Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian.)
>>
>> Horse: "Yep."
>>
>> Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
>>
>> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me
>>brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the
>>weather."
>>
>> Indian: (Look of total amazement)
>>
>> Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
>>
>> Indian: "Sheep lie."
>>
>>

[jeezeweeze]

Great sense of humor

[deuce91]

I love his motto on the front of his truck.

[jeezeweeze]

I can't make it out, what is it. (shut up MIT)

[TexKan]

not sure if I would want that truck in front of my house or not!! LOL LOL