Joke Bank

[hoarsewhisperer]

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

Your card! Show him your card!

[Binky Bainbridge]

- I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

- I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

[jeezeweeze]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who
had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when
he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept
their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all
stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee
Deep said, "nope, not yet Bubbles". So they row a little farther....

Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No,
this will never do, the water is only up to my chest. "

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side
and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really
getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for
breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

[Tony Clams]

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you,
that you're from Ireland .'


The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[Made in the USA]

The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really
know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned
about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But
if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if
he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired
this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."

[jeezeweeze]

The Three Little Pigs
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[hoarsewhisperer]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath;

Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[hoarsewhisperer]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine! 'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.

This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year.

We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

[jeezeweeze]

Originally Posted by hoarsewhisperer

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath;

Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.