Joke Bank

[hoarsewhisperer]

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.



Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"



She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"



Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"



Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

[hoarsewhisperer]

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up . The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living chit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry azz into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.


The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs

[Tony Clams]

I'm Italian and THAT was funny!

[Justoo]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and theother is tapping his wayalong the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, butthe men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign thatthis is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane movesfaster and faster down therunway and the people sitting in the window seatsrealize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport.As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panickedscreams fill the cabin. Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into theair. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreatinto their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Youknow, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're allgonna f###in' die.'

[jeezeweeze]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
>> the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
>> put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
>> the man.
>>
>> The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and
>> asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man
>> explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a
>> 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and
>> he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
>> airborne, when I put him to work."
>>
>>
>>
>> The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the
>> agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to
>> "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the
>> aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman
>> for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and
>> put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said,
>> "Good boy", and he turned to the man and
>>
>> said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so
>> I'm making a note of her seat number and the
>> authorities will apprehend her when we land.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the
>> first man.
>>
>> Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
>> The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few
>> seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two
>> paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man
>> is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his
>> seat number for the police."
>>
>>
>>
>> "I like it!" said his seat mate.
>>
>> The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
>> Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
>> sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the
>> agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit
>> all over the place.
>>
>>
>>
>> The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and
>> couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
>> behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's
>> going on?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The agent nervously replied, "He just found a
>> bomb."
>>
>>
>>

[hoarsewhisperer]

HOW STICK PEOPLE BECAME EXTINCT

[jeezeweeze]

[Made in the USA]

Horsie! My poor "virgin" eyes!!

[jeezeweeze]

The Wisdom Of Larry the cable guy......







1. A day without sunshine is like night.



2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.



3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.



6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The

cheese in the trap.



9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.



10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.



12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.



14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?



15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.



17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?



18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?



20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?



21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'



22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[Bubba]

Economic Stimulus Payment

This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,
thus stimulating the economy.




Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up!