Joke Bank

[jeezeweeze]

[jeezeweeze]

> >>>> POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
> >>>>
> >>>> I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with,
> >>>> 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
> >>>> smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and
> >>>> crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room
> >>>> right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
> >>>>
> >>>> Everything clear?
> >>>>
> >>>> I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't
> >>>> rocket science.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
> >>>>
> >>>> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
> >>>> (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand
> >>>> on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
> >>>> everything?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air,
> >>>> so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and
> >>>> neck and finish me off?
> >>>>
> >>>> My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with
> >>>> my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of
> >>>> square plastic) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete
> >>>> darkness and the power went off!
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.'
> >>>> Belinda headed for the door.
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise
> >>>> alone are you?' I shouted.
> >>>>
> >>>> Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the
> >>>> door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
> >>>> lights. I'll be right back.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
> >>>>
> >>>> And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
> >>>> extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
> >>>> dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed
> >>>> between glass!
> >>>>
> >>>> After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going '
> >>>> type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
> >>>> disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
> >>>>
> >>>> Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
> >>>> calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
> >>>>
> >>>> 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved
> >>>> good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the
> >>>> grocery store.
> >>>>
> >>>> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
> >>>> grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she
> >>>> said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on
> >>>> and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
> >>>> lunch. Are we upset?'
> >>>>
> >>>> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
> >>>> between the clamps....
> >>
> >

[K C Muffin]

Time for perky little Belinda to have her own mammogram!

[hoarsewhisperer]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas....


The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[hoarsewhisperer]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear
the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[jeezeweeze]

Good ones Horsie

[jeezeweeze]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, ' I have something I must confess.'
> >
> > 'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
> >
> > No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
> >
> > 'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Originally Posted by jeezeweeze

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, ' I have something I must confess.'
> >
> > 'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
> >
> > No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
> >
> > 'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

[hoarsewhisperer]

TRUE RED NECk TUBE TOP!

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