Joke Bank

[Bubba]

A father walks into a market followed by his twelve-year-old son. The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the markets someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a divorce lawyer."

[Bubba]

Mary takes her dog, Max, to the vet because he snores loud enough to wake the dead. The vet tells Mary to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, Max is snoring as loud as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, Mary goes to her sewing bag and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles: Sure enough, to Mary's amazement, the dog stops snoring.

Later that night, her husband, George, returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

Mary wonders if maybe the ribbon will also work on him. So she goes to her sewing bag again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on George!

Mary then sleeps very soundly for the rest of the night.

The next morning, George wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate.

As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles. He is very confused.

As he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

George shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

[lurker]

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

[lurker]

Olie is a farmer in Visconsin. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Olie is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Olie decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Olie and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

[lurker]

Life Before The Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy ..
You just hoped nobody ever found out

[lurker]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband’s rear view greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"

[lurker]

Billy Bob comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with his best friend.
He calmly walks over to his wife, points his finger in her face, and says you...pack your bags and get out of this house!!!! Then he points his finger at his best friend and says....baaaad doG!!!!!.....baaaad doG!!!!

[lurker]

1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.



2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.



3. Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they're practicing to be men.



4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve

around him.

OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.



5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.



6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A.Because not one will stop and ask directions.



8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts .



9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.



10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.



12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

[lurker]

A business is looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, work a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

Soon after a doG trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The manager looked at the doG and was surprised, However, the doG looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the doG jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The doG jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the doG, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The doG jumped down again and went to the computer. The doG proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the doG and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent doG and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The doG jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The doG looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[lurker]

Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic, Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

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Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

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If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

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And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.