Joke Bank

[Made in the USA]

Originally Posted by K C Muffin

Come on, MIT...you told me you'd never tell anybody I needed two seats. Damn! Couldn't you just have kept it to yourself? Geez!

That's OK, I didn't mind sitting in your lap, but I don't think the breast feeding convinced the stewardess that you were my "Big Momma"!

[K C Muffin]

I shoulda known better than to open my big trap.....

[hoarsewhisperer]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to His friends.

Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.

She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The
Conductore, he waga is finger again and say,

'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka Through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka DA bus.

[grlddg]

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this.

[K C Muffin]

very, very cute

[jeezeweeze]

A handful of 7-year-old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years ol d

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old

[K C Muffin]

....from the mouths of babes.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Model sues plastic surgeon in Mexico for not making her nipples even after a breast implant.



The doctor said, "They looked good to me!"

[KONQ RADIO]

That's funny..

[hoarsewhisperer]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband
Although very much in love , couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a Beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You
Know....they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets , mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing,
Dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN CHIT! SIT YOUR AZZ DOWN, SHUT THE HE11 UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED AZZ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKAZZ?'

And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP