Joke Bank

[Jolly Rancher]

My favorite, of all time. I read this everytime I see it cuz I can't get enough. There are about 50% of the shoppers that this would apply!

[hoarsewhisperer]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well. You'll love this one.


My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.


After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.


"yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.


"when did you graduate?" i asked.


He answered, "in 1967.
Why do you ask?"

"you were in my class!", i exclaimed.


He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat azz, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-biotch asked

"what did you teach?"

[hoarsewhisperer]

WALLY'S GUIDE FOR MARRIED MEN
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging woman.

My name is Wally. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kim. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kim to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club and watch the lingerie show, so eating out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I think another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, right? So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kim. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wally

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wally died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club imbedded up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge lying nearby. His wife Kim was arrested and charged with Wally's demise. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wally somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Two Scandinavian young men from up in Minnesooooota were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this
price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's
as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Sven man asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the
girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes
yesterday!"


__________________

[jeezeweeze]

Baby's First Doctor Visit
>
>
> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
>
>
> Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>
>
> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
>
>
> Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
>
>
> Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>
>
> 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
>
>
> 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
>
>
> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
>
>
> Rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
>
>
> And detailed examination.
>
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
>
>
> 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
>
>
> You don't have any milk.'
>
>
> I know,' she said,
>
>
> 'I'm his Grandma,
>
>
> But I'm glad I came.
>

[hoarsewhisperer]

Local bar sues church

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern
started a building to open up their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions
and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week
before opening, when lightning struck the bar
and it burned to the ground.


The church folks were rather smug in their outlook
after that, till the bar owner sued the church on
the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either
through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility
or any connection to the building's demise
in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court,
the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented,
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this,
but as it appears from the paperwork,
we have a bar owner who believes
in the power of prayer, and an entire
church congregation that doesn't."


__________________

[hoarsewhisperer]

Russian invasion of Georgia!
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , they sure as he11 ain't doin' it to Alabama.

[hoarsewhisperer]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face right up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds … and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane - STILL working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Bubba]

[meadmice]

Just like a man, blame everything on someone else!