Joke Bank

[K C Muffin]

Originally Posted by hoarsewhisperer

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face right up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds … and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane - STILL working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

I LOVE that one! Of all the idiot drivers I see up here, the bulk are men who are busy b!tching about crazy women drivers.

[DJD]

• The first kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex
  This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
  have sex until you are blue in the face.

• The second kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
  This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

• The third kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex
  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
  Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

• The fourth kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
  This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
  When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'

• The fifth kind of sex is called: Religious Sex Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

• The sixth kind is called Courtroom Sex.
  This is when you cannot stand your wife or husband any more.
  She or he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
  
  And; Last, but not least,
• The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
  You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Retire to Alaska


Bedford had been in POLICE WORK for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Doug, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Bedford. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Doug, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[DJD]

We both post at the same time and to prove my point she had the last word.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Originally Posted by DJD

We both post at the same time and to prove my point she had the last word.

yup

[hoarsewhisperer]

The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this ? ? ?

Yesterday, I was at PetsMart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, "No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again."

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I-V's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, that I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. PetsMart won't let me shop there any more.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!

[Made in the USA]

Horsie!!!

[hoarsewhisperer]

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[meadmice]

Ever had a day like this?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the bike and somehow it slipped into gear. Still holding the handlebars, the man was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the bike, dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found him laying on the floor cut and bleeding, the bike laying next to him, and the paio door shattered. She ran and called an ambulance.

Because they lived on a large steep hill, she went down several flights of stairs to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After they took the husband to the hospital, the wife picks up the bike and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, she got some paper towels and blotted it up and threw the towels into the toilet..

The husband comes back home. He looks at the shattered patio door and the damage to the bike. He gets depressed, goes into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found him on the floor. His pants had been blown away and he was suffering burns on his butt, back of his legs, and groin. The wife called the ambulance again.

The same paramedic crew came and the wife met them at the street. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began to carry him down the stairs. On the way down, accompanied by the wife, one of the medics asked how he'd burned himself. She explained and the medics began laughing so hard one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the rest of the steps and broke his arm.

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day...

[Bubba]

I got this in my email from a lady friend...not sure if it is a joke or a true story...





Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got acall from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo....... It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.