Joke Bank

[lurker]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle,
and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then
asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without
moving a muscle, Sam replied;



. . . "... the balcony..."

[lurker]

I was in a meeting this past week, and the topic of how to be successful at ranching came up. After thinking about it a few days, I have decided that there are a few things that most folks over look when it comes to managing a successful cow operation. I want to share with you things that you need to have a “Successful Ranching Operation…..”

Never build a wire gate so tight that your wife can’t open it.
Never make a bale of hay so heavy that your wife can’t lift it.
Remember the heavier the bales are the quicker she will get tired, and this greatly increases the time it takes her to open and close that wire gate.

Never buy install cattle guards, wire gates are much cheaper.
Besides God gave you someone setting in the passenger seat to open the wire gates for you. This makes her realize how needed and wanted she is. This is a romantic moment for her, therefore as her husband it is your duty to let her get the wire gate.

No matter how rusty, dented and beat up your get’ feed truck becomes, never let the passenger door become so dented and warped that it won’t open.
She won’t be able to get out to open the wire gate.

Never buy a saddle so heavy and a horse so tall she can’t saddle it.
She might become reluctant to keep getting on and off a tall horse, and this will greatly impede the smooth operation of her getting the wire gate.

In the long run it is better to invest in quality tools.
For instance, come calving time, it will be far easier to use those metal “come alongs” rather than using those ol’ rope pullers. This is a labor saving device. When it is three in the morning with an inch of ice on, she will be able to pull that calf herself without having to come back to the house to wake you up for help.
This way she won’t be totally exhausted from the experience and still have enough strength to open and shut that wire gate herself.

Never waste money on cab over or enclosed tractors, this will make you lazy and reluctant to get out in inclement weather.
When its seventeen degrees on the tractor seat, it won’t make any difference to her that it’s also only seventeen degrees at the gate, when she gets down to open the wire gate.


I had a gal tell me that she had met a feller and got “hitched”, and that I had missed the boat. The first thing that went through my mind was not only did I not miss the boat; I hadn’t even bought any tickets for the trip. I told her I was doing just fine the way I was. She asked, “You mean you’re not planning ever to get married again?” I told her that once in a great while it passes through my mind, but not often. She wanted to know “when that was?”
I told her sometimes after a long and especially hard day, I come home; the house is empty and quiet. So I get in the truck, head out to check cows, I’m driving through the pasture thinking, “I’m all alone in this world, and here’s this wire gate….. ”

[lurker]

Redneck Social Tips (and just plain good advice)

In general...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the bottle, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with both of your hands.

Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM .. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.

[lurker]

You *May* be a Farmer if:

You wear bib overalls to all social events.

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

[lurker]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[lurker]

IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm? !

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show
you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[lurker]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and since both applicants had the same qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

[lurker]

A Game Warden was out in the country during peak season when he happened upon a pickup parked along the road near a ravine. No one was around as he stopped to check. The bed of the truck held a very nice array of legal game.

Someone this successful in a day's hunt was worth checking; so he waited. Sure enough, a man appeared from the ravine carrying some pheasants with both hands. As this hunter neared, the Warden noticed two things: he wasn't carrying a gun and he was ugly. Extremely ugly.

The Warden waited for the man to get to his pickup and unload his game, then the Warden made all necessary checks of licensing, limits and such. Everything was legal but the lack of a gun and no apparent injury to the dead animals caused much concern so the Warden asked: "How did you kill these animals?"

"I Ugly'd 'em." he said.

"Ugly'd them.... to death?" asked the Warden.

"Yup." was the reply.

"Just how do you do that?"

"Oh, it's easy." and just as he said that a pheasant flew over the pair and the fellow took a hard stare up into the direction of the bird and the bird dropped like a rock at their feet.

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the Warden.

"Not really." said he. "I can do it. My wife can and my kids can too."

"I understand why your kids aren't with you because of school but you could double your bag if your wife was with you."

"OH NO. Don't hunt with the wife no more. She tears em up!"

[lurker]

GUNFIGHT RULES

US Army's Rules for Gun Fighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

Navy SEALS Rules For Gun Fighting
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beachwear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75-pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75-pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rangers Rules For Gun Fighting
1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules For Gun Fighting
1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what a gunfight is"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

Navy Rules For Gun Fighting
1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn movies
4. Send the Marines

[lurker]

A hungry, young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of watching him stare at the bowl, the young cowboy bravely asked him, "Buddy, if you ain't goin' to eat that chili, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner answered, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl in front of him and started spooning it in with delight. He got down nearly to the bottom when he spotted a dead, rotten rat in the chili.

The sight of this wrenched his stomach so bad, he immediately upchucked the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy looked over at him and quietly said, "Yep, that's 'bout as far as I got, too..."