Joke Bank

[Made in the USA]

Take my Wife--------------Please!!

[meadmice]

The Bored Man

There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"

"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."

His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"

He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'

But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"

"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"

[hoarsewhisperer]

In 1986, Dan Harrison wason holiday in Kenya after graduating from NorthwesternUniversity ..

On a hike through the bush, he came acrossa young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected theelephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Danworked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerlyput down its foot.The elephant turned to face the man, and witha rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing elsebut being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.Twenty years later, Dan was walking throughthe Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure,
one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his sonDan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, liftedits front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did thatseveral times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn'thelp wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed overthe railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up tothe elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped
its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing,killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant . . .

[DJD]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun
If he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
Owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some
Discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
Came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
Decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
For a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you
Like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him
A bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
Face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in
There! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink
With me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

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A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first
Time! I'm putting my ****ing shoes on!'

[Justoo]

What goes 999 clunk 999 clunk 999 clunk?












A centipede with a wooden leg.

[meadmice]

Here's a few from another website I belong to...



An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".


The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.




The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.


2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.


3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.


5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.


6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)


7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)


8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)





Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.




Differences Between Man and Women

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.





Differences Between Man and Women

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.





This man taking the driving test to get his liscence. The first thing he did was drive right through a red light. The examiner said "That's wrong. Who taught you to drieve?" The man said, "That's the way my brother taught me to drive." OK but don't do it again. Bur sure enough the next red light he ran right through. The examiner was getting very upset with the man. Then he stopped at a green light. The examiner said, "Why stop now?" The man said, "My brother might be coming the otherway."




Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.

Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.

[jeezeweeze]

ROE vs. WADE

Ray Nagin, the Mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade.

He said, he didn't care how people got back to their houses.

[Made in the USA]

Originally Posted by jeezeweeze

ROE vs. WADE

Ray Nagin, the Mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade.

He said, he didn't care how people got back to their houses.

[meadmice]

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"

[jeezeweeze]

Email Warning! -

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton