Joke Bank

[jeezeweeze]

Lil' O'Reilly from paulbryant6

[hoarsewhisperer]

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 2”.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'


She put me on Prozac. What a biotch.

[hoarsewhisperer]

Football FINALLY makes sense..........


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied,
'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over
25 cents!


Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'


'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!'


I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 freaking cents!

[357 mag]

[hoarsewhisperer]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor'.The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[hoarsewhisperer]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[hoarsewhisperer]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the chip monks.

[hoarsewhisperer]

An Airplane Joke ...

A C-130 was lumbering along when an F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a complicated series of rolls and loops. He finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot, "What did you think of that?"

The C-130 pilot replied, "That was great! Could you do it again? My co-pilot was in the back getting our steaks out of the microwave oven."

[hoarsewhisperer]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.