Joke Bank

[lurker]

Newfie Birth Control

Dear Doctor White:

Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile. Me reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless.

After getting married here in Gander bye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha.

Apart from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'? Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait tree weeks fer the safeperiod, when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant again. Twins dis time.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again.

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaasus nother set of twins.

I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem things over yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again.

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead.

Ye can see me problems right? If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe that talking bout it is any substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??

Yours sincerely,

Eli from Conception Bay

P.S. Me fadder didn't have any condoms way back den so he skinned an eel and used that. Needless to say it didn't work......poked hes pecker through the eye ..... dat's how I got me name.

[lurker]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican legislator comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business," and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat legislator comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen more lined up & waiting for their free haircut.

[lurker]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge
bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
response on the monitor when she touched her.
The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him,
"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his
wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined: no pulse, no
heart
rate. The nurses ran into the room.

"What happened?" they cried.

The husband said,...............................


"I guess she choked."

[lurker]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting aparently depicted three naked Black Men sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple where having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the African-Americans in a predoninantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like the know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert then the curator of the Gallery," asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[lurker]

My First Time Ever

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I.

Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew what
she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
the white stuff came.

At last it was finished,
Its all over now,
My first time ever,
At milking a cow.

Some people have really dirty minds..

[lurker]

Ray was trying to cross the street.

As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around the corner and
headed straight for him.

Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car
changed lanes and kept coming at him.

So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed lanes again and
continued coming at him.

By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared that he just froze
in the middle of the road.

The car got real close, then swerved at the last possible moment and
stopped next to Ray.

The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.

It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."

[lurker]

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.



Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my

golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you

mind if I joined you next week?"



The three lawyers looked at each other. They were

hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but

she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it

would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early

at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would

discourage her immediately.



The woman said this might be a problem and asked if

she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They

rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She

smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at

6:30 or 6:45."



She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all

three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.

The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week! She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45 ."



The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday

morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The

three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to

beat them with an even par round despite playing with

her off-hand.



By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if

she was just trying to make them look bad by beating

them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She

was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing

them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire

to beat her!



In the third week they all had their game faces on.

But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the

guys irritable because each was determined to play the

best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they

waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some

petty gamesmanship on her part.



Finally she showed up.



This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which

was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of

them. However she was so gracious and so

complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to

keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no

one could figure out!



Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking

their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers

after their round which helped the conversation

loosen up.



Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no

longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide

if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"



The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy.

When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."



Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the

guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up

in the air?"







She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[lurker]

Four ladies went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game today?"
The first lady said, "Oh, I had three riders today."
The second lady said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third lady said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last lady said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.
Aren't you proud of me?"
After they went into the ladies locker room. An elderly golfer that had heard the ladies telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider occurs when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

[lurker]

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[lurker]

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I've been here already?"