Joke Bank

[lurker]

Three Old Ladies Named Gertrude, Maude, And Betty Were Sitting On A Park Bench Having A Conversation, When A Flasher Approached From Across The Park.

The Flasher Came Up To The Ladies, Stood Right In Front Of Them And To Their Shock And Dismay, Opened His Trench Coat.

Gertrude Immediately Had A Stroke.

Then Maude Also Had A Stroke.

But Betty, Being Older And More Feeble, Couldn't Reach That Far.

[lurker]

Fontenot's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Fontenot was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Fontenot's sales pitch. Fontenot stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated,

"If you got 'de normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and be killed, 'de government pays you beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out 'de extra GI insurance, which gon' cost you 'de extra $30.00 a month, 'de government pays you beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Fontenot concluded, "which bunch you t'ink 'dey gonna send to 'de combat first?"

[lurker]

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"

[lurker]

Reality of a heavy thinker



It started out innocently enough.



I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up.



Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.



I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.



Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.



That was when things began to sour at home.



One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.



I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.



I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.



I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"



One day the boss called me in.



He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."



This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss.



"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."



"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"



"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."



"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"



"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.



She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.



"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.



I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...



They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.



Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.



"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.



You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.



Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.



At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.



I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.



I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered to vote as a Democrat...

[lurker]

A bloke came into a pub one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same bloke came into the pub and asked for the same drinks.

When the barman asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the bloke came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas. The barman said, "Jesus Christ! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife."

[lurker]

What's in your dowry?

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington DC.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store/gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the US.

[lurker]

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Mulvihill mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

[lurker]

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 - 9:30AM

President Bush May Send Up To FIVE Marines to Assist France

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's a$$ out of the fire again.

Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed-off teenagers, Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss-ants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any moment now," said Bush.

Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to five Marines to control the dissidents. The general admitted that five Marines may be overkill, but he wanted to get things under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene.

He stated he might have a hard time finding even one Marine anxious to help those ungrateful *******s out for a third time, but thought that he could persuade a few women Marines to do the job before they left on maternity leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as soon as order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them, lest they stand out.

[lurker]

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen -
today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too! Why change?"

[lurker]

Why I Am So Tired!!!
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired,
which leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
which leaves 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces
preoccupied with killing Bin Laden,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people
who work for state and city governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.

As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work...

YOU and ME!!

And there you are sitting on your butt,
at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...