Joke Bank

[lurker]

The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in
town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it
that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age
of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one
in November."

Now , the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that
the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by
an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years
to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider
getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature
would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and
said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
"And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

[lurker]

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally
inching up to the pier at Pearl Harbor when the Captain
of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing
wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive
young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also
waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen
something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge
Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"
The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported,
"Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending
ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having any clue as to what these
messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed
Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.

The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many
ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly.
"Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the
pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

[lurker]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost
directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he
surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should
get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk
retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what
was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he
can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye
of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for
raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she
is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try
the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and
fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at
her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it
raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

[lurker]

All too rarely, Airline Attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety
lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "Senior" Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot
said, Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your Flight Attendants."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight
Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the Flight Attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."

And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to
have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having
to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, a Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence ----- followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Coach yelled, "that's nothing!" -- "You should see the back of mine!!!"

[lurker]

A salesman had a flat tire right in front of the insane asylum. There was a large fence between him and the patients but still he was uneasy. He jacked up the car, popped off the wheel cover and removed the lug nuts. As he took off the wheel he kicked the wheel cover and it along with all the lug nuts rolled down the embankment into a stream running along the road.

As he stood there cursing that loss of the lug nuts he attracted the attention of a patient. The fellow asked him what was wrong. The salesman warily explained the problem and the patient then said, "why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other wheels, 3 lug nuts will hold the wheel on just fine until you get to a garage."

The salesman was surprised at the fellow’s suggestion and said, "why are you in there?"

The patient replied, "I'm insane, not stupid."

[lurker]

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise." The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise." St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter. The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO." Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?" The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime." Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter. The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND". At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?" The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

[lurker]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car became covered with dents. The next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees. Then she started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

[lurker]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.



As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes.

He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that
the bear was closing in on him. He looked again. The bear was even closer.



He tripped and fell. He rolled over quickly but saw the bear right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to
strike.



At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."



Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. A bright light
shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:



"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to
ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make
the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.



The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.



The bear stopped, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:



"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[lurker]

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"

[lurker]

A Tourist visiting Los Angeles walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said
to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper
nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer saying, "That'll
be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it
cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert
with all small arms, write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in Small
Unit Tactics--- well worth the money! The tourist looked at the monkey in
another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a POST certified Sergeants Patrol monkey; it can instruct
other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism, Training,
Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even
type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped
to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually
seen it do anything, but it says it's a lieutenant."