Have You A Sense of Humour? - DodgeBoard.com

Binky Bainbridge · #1 (**permalink**) 04-14-2008, 01:00 PM

Have you a sense of humour? - if not, READ NO FURTHER!

Letter to All American Citizens:

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure on the last two occasions to elect a competent President
and thus to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, with immediate effect.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Florida, which
she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise"

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope
with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English" and we will advise Microsoft accordingly.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task no.1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. April 14th will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will
be called "Comeuppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good as you will appreciate when you drive a BMW, a Mercedes-Benz, or an Audi.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $10/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive and
less friendly with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,"
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear removed
with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough, in time,
will be allowed to play rugby, (which has some similarities to American
"football"), but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jesses – (English slang for a
"Big Girls Blouse").

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due, backdated to 1776, with interest.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese