All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

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News Burps

* It’s Easter Weekend. Or as chocolate bunnies call it: “Hell week.”

* Walgreens has pulled the Obama Chia pet from shelves. Also being removed, Joe Biden Clapper. You clap, but the light doesn’t seem to ever go on.

* David Caruso is being sued by his ex-girlfriend and baby mama for “emotional distress.” Said Liza Marquez, “Tilting my head. Taking off my shades. Twirling my hair with my finger. Smiling seductively. It’s driving me CRAZY!”

* A New Jersey man claims Bruce Springsteen had an affair with his soon-to-be ex-wife. “Not true,” says the woman, “Dammit.”

* Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance Levi Johnson is hitting the airwaves to declare that his family is not “white trash.” “And,” says Levi, “I’ll step out of my double-wide and bitch-slap anyone who says otherwise!”

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News Burps

* Navy SEAL sharpshooters kill three pirates holding American Captain Richard Phillips. No parrots were hurt in the making of this rescue.

* Yes, it’s good to talk to our enemies. But sometimes what we need to SAY is “Hasta la vista, baby.”

* The President’s daughters will finally be getting their new puppy Tuesday: A six-month old Portuguese Water Dog named “Bo.” “But,” warns Michelle Obama, “if I find him digging in my new garden he’s going to get a visit from the Navy SEALS.”

* I hope the Obama’s new dog Bo doesn’t stain the Oval Office carpet. Had enough of that when Clinton was President.

* Billy Bob Thornton’s band has cancelled the remainder of its Canadian tour after Billy Bob compared Canadian fans to mashed potatoes without gravy. No wonder. He went out there with drum sticks, not hockey sticks.

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News Burps

* Legendary record producer Phil Spector has been found guilty of 2nd degree murder. His “Wall of Sound” will now have guys with guns on top of it. Meanwhile, Spector’s hair dresser has been found guilty of - oh, so many things.

* Yesterday was the traditional White House Easter Egg Roll. In keeping with the new Administration, all the chocolate Easter eggs were organically grown.

* The First Family welcomes their new dog “Bo” today. It’s the most exciting arrival of a dog to the White House since Amy Carter. C’mon, I’m talking about the pooch named Grits!

* Simon Cowell says he may leave “American Idol” to concentrate on other projects. Yeah, right. And Adam Lambert digs chicks.

* Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn has filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage. Curiously, the divorce papers are in Aramaic.

Hey! I don't write these. OK?

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News Burps

* Today is Tax Day - or as Tim Geitner calls it, Wednesday. You can file your returns by midnight, or file for an extension - or hope for an opening in Obama’s cabinet.

* All across the nation citizens are disposing perfectly good tea bags today protesting the Administration’s tax plans and budget. In a related story Earl Grey has reportedly turned over in his grave.

* New First Dog Bo made his debut Tuesday. Shortly after making his first dump on the White House, Bo was made an honorary Fox News contributor.

* Actress Fran Drescher says she’s interested in running for public office in the next couple years. Fran says she’s eager to become an annoying voice for the people.

* Auction of Michael Jackson’s possessions and odd relics was called off yesterday. Too bad. Bidding on his original nose had already topped $57,000.

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News Burps

* Thousands took part in anti-tax “tea parties” from coast-to-coast yesterday. For some a chance to express anger at government spending. For others, a chance to prance about in powdered wigs without being called girlie names.

* Texas Governor Rick Perry says Texas can leave the Union if it wants to. Fine. But only if you take Tony Romo and the bleepin’ Cowboys with you.

* “American Idol” judges used their first ever “save” to keep Matt Giraud in the competition after he was voted out. “Darn,” says judge Kara, “I was hoping they’d use the save to keep ME around.”

* Have you seen the amazing video of 47-year-old Susan Boyle performing on “Britain’s Got Talent”? I haven’t seen Simon show that much awe and wonder since…since the last time he looked in the mirror.

* Nadia Suleman wants to trademark the term “Octomom.” She’s also trade marking the names “Miss Wacky Womb,” “Media Whore Momma,” and “Uterus Overused-us”

* Jamie Foxx has apologized to Miley Cyrus for crudely insulting the teen star on his radio show the other day. However, Foxx has STILL not apologized for his “Miami Vice” movie.

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News Burps

* Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano has apologized to vets for a department report that suggests returning war veterans are susceptible to recruitment by right-wing extremist groups. And, of course, by “right-wing extremist groups” she means “Fox News.”

* However, Napolitano is refusing to apologize for nasty things she said about Miley Cyrus.

* Billy Ray Cyrus says he’s still angry at Jamie Foxx for comments he made about daughter Miley. “Jumping all over a 16-year-old,” said Billy Ray, “Who’s he think he is? R. Kelly?”

* Have you seen the You Tube video of “Britain’s Got Talent” singing sensation Susan Boyle? A singer hasn’t gotten that many hits since Rihanna tangled with Chris Brown.

* Ryan Seacrest has a girlfriend, making Susan Boyle the 2nd biggest shock of Simon’s entertainment career.

* A woman whose leg was severed by a bus gets $27.5 million. Unfortunately, it’s all in tokens.

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News Burps

* Nicaraguan President Ortega launched into a tirade against America this weekend, accusing us of terrorist aggression. President Obama’s only response: “Dude, you’re starting to sound like Hillary Clinton at a campaign debate.”

* On Friday, Obama was photographed laughing with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Why were they laughing? Rumor is the two had just given Mexico’s President a wedgie.

this one's funny: I hope aggie gets it
* Madonna suffered minor injuries this weekend when she again fell off a horse. Frankly, Madge should stick to riding A-Rod. I meant that as a proper noun, not a regular noun.

* According to “News of the World,” the father of a nine-year girl featured in “Slumdog Millionaire” tried to sell her for nearly $300,000. One little taste of Hollywood and the guy thinks he’s an agent.

* “Grey’s Anatomy” star Ellen Pompeo is pregnant. And thanks to the addition of the fetus, Ellen has already doubled her body weight.

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News Burps
* CIA memos released by the President show a major 9/11 planner was waterboarded 183 times. Ah, but if he had gotten to 200, he would have won the toaster.

* Scientists announced yesterday that fat people contribute to global warming. On the plus side, they do provide more shade.

* Scandal at the Miss USA Pageant this weekend. Miss California Carrie Prejan told openly gay judge Perez Hilton she supported traditional marriage and that may have cost her the title. She got in further trouble with the judges when she said, quote, “the environment can go screw itself, I love wearing fur made from baby seals, and my role model is Sarah Palin.”

* Cops say Madonna’s story that her horse was spooked by a paparazzo is not true. Said a police official, “this is hardly the first time Madonna’s taken a tumble with a stud.”

*Dan Brown’s long-awaited sequel to “The Da Vinci Code” will be released September 15th. In “The Lost Symbol” hero Robert Langdon will discover the Colonel’s secret recipe of 19 herbs and spices hidden in a velvet painting of Dogs Playing Poker.

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News Burps

* According to Politico, many members of Congress are currently fighting a battle of the bulge. Clearly, there’s too much pork in their diet.

* President Obama will be seen shirtless on the cover of the May issue of Washingtonian magazine. Just wants to rub his abs in the face of the fat cats on Capitol Hill.

* CIA confirms that the waterboarding of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Shiek Mohammad did help thwart a 9/11-style attack on Los Angeles. Knocking down buildings in LA? I thought that’s what earthquakes are for.

* Paula Abdul tells Nightline “I’ve never been drunk in my life.” Explains Paula, “The oxygen level on your planet just makes me loopy.”

* A judge is refusing to allow impeached Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to appear on NBC’s upcoming reality show, “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here.” However, he IS free to appear on the show, “I’m a Criminal - Take Me Out of Here - in shackles.”

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I don't write these. K ;)

News Burps

* One of Barack Obama’s top financial advisors, Larry Summers, was caught taking a nap during a meeting at the White House while the President was speaking on credit card debt. Obama’s press secretary tried to put a positive spin on the incident. He claimed “While Summers was asleep, he was dreaming of hope.”

* A pharmacy in Florida is admitting they made a mistake in creating a drug which resulted in the sudden death of 21 polo ponies. Apparently, due to a lab error, they made a chemical powerful enough to kill a horse. On the bright side, they’ve already received a thousand orders for the drug from Amy Winehouse.

* Jay Leno canceled Thursday and Friday’s shows after checking himself into a hospital with an undisclosed illness. Leno told the doctor “I’m more light-headed than Jessica Simpson on Jeopardy. I’m sweating like Paris Hilton taking the SATs. My stomach’s rumbling like Charles Barkley before an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

* According to British tabloids, Simon Cowell wants to make a movie about YouTube sensation Susan Boyle. I believe the working title for the film is The 47-Year-Old Virgin. You don’t want to see the chest-waxing scene in that one.