All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Global health officials are doing all they can to stop a possible world-wide outbreak of the swine flu. The doctors are taking no chances. They’re urging everyone to wear a condom if you’re handling pork.

* In Mexico, where the swine flu virus is believed to have originated, the President has ordered citizens to stay indoors, avoid other people and wear a surgical mask. In other words, act like they’re Michael Jackson.

* A marketing professor at the University of Georgia became the target of a manhunt after he allegedly shot 3 people, including his ex-wife, at a community theater. Although in his defense, he did save the audience from having to sit through a really horrible production of Bye Bye Birdie.

* Led by LeBron James, the Cleveland Cavaliers swept the Detroit Pistons to advance to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Detroit had so many embarrassing losses in the series that today Barack Obama stepped in and fired their CEO.

* Sad news – Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls has died at age 86. If you weren’t scared of ghosts before, just imagine being haunted by the ghost of Bea Arthur.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Mexico is taking steps to deal with the outbreak of swine flu. Today the country’s Health Secretary ordered all Cinco de Mayo parties to serve a Tamiflu margarita.

* Tough week for Mexico City - in addition to the swine flu outbreak, the Mexican capital was hit by a 6.0 earthquake. Just to give you an idea how bad things are: Mexico City is Spanish for Detroit.

* Iowa has begun issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. So gays can get married in Iowa, but not California. What’s next - Nancy Pelosi giving a speech “Don’t be bringing those Des Moines values to San Francisco?”

* Although the evidence continues to mount against the so-called “Craigslist killer”, his fiancée is continuing to stick by him. Even Rihanna is saying “That girl is crazy.”

* And speaking of crazy, the Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman got a new tattoo on her upper back of an angel with 14 stars. Nadya said it was to honor her children. If she was really thinking of her kids, how about a tattoo on her lower abdominal area saying - “Closed?” ---- hehehe ----

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter switched his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. Apparently, Specter, who faced a Republican primary challenge, believed that if the current party doesn’t fit you, find a new party. The same philosophy as Amy Winehouse.

* In Michigan, a 6-pound Chihuahua named Tinker Bell survived after being blown nearly a mile down the road by a 70 mile an hour wind gust. You’ve heard of the swine flu from Mexico? This is the dog from Mexico who flew.

* National experts say the best strategy for avoiding the swine flu is to practice “social distancing” by staying away from other people. In other words, just be like I was in high school. Now THAT’s why I didn’t go to the prom - I was avoiding the swine flu.

* Fox is refusing to televise Barack Obama’s press conference tonight because they say it is a manufactured event that will not make news. And for the same reason, they will not televise the first 58 minutes of the American Idol results show.

* A lottery ticket given to a Wichita, Kansas woman as a gift from her mother-in-law turned out to be a 200 thousand dollar winner. Talk about beating the odds - she is now the first person in America who truly loves her mother-in-law.

[Made in the USA]

News Burps

* Pennsylvania Senator
* A lottery ticket given to a Wichita, Kansas woman as a gift from her mother-in-law turned out to be a 200 thousand dollar winner. Talk about beating the odds - she is now the first person in America who truly loves her mother-in-law.

Anybody know anything about this one? Probably AOO!

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The World Health Organization warns of “second wave” of Swine Flu. Meanwhile, W-H-O head Dr. Margaret Chan confirmed that this little swine flu first went to market, while this little swine flu stayed home.

* New York City has cancelled Cinco di Mayo celebrations over fear of the swine flu. Elsewhere, nationwide research will be conducted tomorrow to determine first-hand if the bug can be killed by massive intakes of tequila.

* Detroit suburb may create marijuana growing zone. In related news, Willie Nelson announces new recording deal with Motown.

* David Hasselhoff was rushed to the hospital Saturday for alcohol poisoning. As you know, David’s currently a judge on “America’s Got Wasted.”

* Michelle Obama wore $540 designer sneakers last week to when she went to help feed the poor. Why? Because standing there in her $2,000 pumps would have hurt like hell.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Today is Cinco de Mayo. Contrary to common perception, the holiday does not celebrate Mexico’s independence. But it does celebrate one’s liberation from sobriety.

* During celebrations yesterday, President Obama called the holiday “Cinco de Cuatro.” Obama immediately apologized - and re-lubed his teleprompter.

* According to Rush Limbaugh, GOP leaders fear Sarah Palin. Rush is wrong. There ARE no GOP leaders.

* Cat Stevens accuses Coldplay of plagiarizing “Viva La Vida” from his song “Foreigner Suite.” Chris Martin denies stealing anything from Cat Stevens - then announced a fatwa against Salmon Rushdie.

* John and Lorena Bobbit were reunited on the entertainment news show “The Insider.” Unfortunately, trouble struck again when the director yelled “Cut.”

[artistic-temper]

News Burps



* And speaking of crazy, the Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman got a new tattoo on her upper back of an angel with 14 stars. Nadya said it was to honor her children. If she was really thinking of her kids, how about a tattoo on her lower abdominal area saying - “Closed?” ---- hehehe ----

OR how about saving that time and money for her kids. Her priorities are all out of order I've heard!

[sunshine]

how right you are, AT. however, she has no need to prioritize with a huge house given to her to live in, govt handouts at every turn. we paid for that tatoo, as well as everything else she has.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps* Did you hear Barrack Obama's not releasing the photos of Air Force One over New York? Michelle thinks the plane looks too fat.

* President Obama and Vice President Biden went out for hamburgers Tuesday in Arlington, VA. It was an historic occasion. The first time Biden’s been spotted with something other than his foot in his mouth.

* An accident on the set of “American Idol” last night. Stage Manager Debbie Williams was hurt when she stumbled down a staircase, knocking Ryan Seacrest out of the closet.

* Paula Abdul admits to being addicted to painkillers for 12 years - giving up the meds last year, but denies ever being under the influence while doing “Idol.” Those nights of slurring every sentence? Just an homage to Bob Dylan.

* Miss California Carrie Prejean whose Christian beliefs on traditional marriage cost her the Miss USA crown - now may be stripped of her title because of semi-nude photos taken when she was 17. Having seen the photos all we can say is, “Thank you, Jesus!”

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps


* Today is the National Day of Prayer. President Obama is toning down White House involvement in the event. Said Obama, “There’s plenty enough worshiping here every time I step in front of the press corps.”

* Keifer Sutherland will be charged with misdemeanor assault for head-butting a fashion designer. Designer Jack McCollough denies having done anything wrong - Of course, that’s what the bad guys ALWAYS say when Jack Bauer starts working them over.

* “MASH” star David Ogden Stiers revealed yesterday that he is gay. David says he came out now to increase his chances of being next year’s Miss USA.

* California Governor Schwarzenegger says it’s time to debate legalizing marijuana, with a $50 per ounce tax to help fund education. In related news Thomas Jefferson middle school of Tarzana has officially changed its name to Cheech Marin Junior -- High.