All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

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News Burps

* President Obama claims he fired Inspector General Gerald Walpin for being “confused” and “disoriented” in a meeting last month. That would disqualify someone from being Inspector General. However, it does qualify one to be Vice President.

* PETA is mad at President Obama for squashing a fly at the White House Tuesday during an interview. Said PETA, “Why can’t he just kill human beings like other presidents do?”

* Despite a media crackdown, Twitter and Facebook are helping protesters in Iran get information out to the rest of the world - AND share info on what they had for breakfast.

* Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan has posted a bony, topless photo of herself on Twitter. And THAT’s what the Iranian reformers are fighting for, baby.

* 60-year old Billy Joel and his third wife, 27-year old Katie Lee have split. Their age was a factor. She’s now seeing a hot designer. He’s reportedly seeing a good proctologist.

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News Burps

* Today's jokes are dedicated to those fighting for their freedom in the face of tyranny, violence and oppression. Here's to you, Jon Gosseling!

* Jon and Kate Gosseling will be making an announcement during a “special” “Jon & Kate Plus 8” Monday. Speculation is the couple is divorcing - or as TLC is calling it, “canceling their relationship after this season.” If they do call it quits, what will happen to the props - uh, I mean, the kids?"

* Al Gore is investing in a new car company. The cars run okay - however, they stall out in Florida.

* California Senator Barbara Boxer chided a Brigadier General Wednesday for calling her “ma’am,” instead of “Senator” during a hearing. “So,” replied the general, “I guess ‘sugar t _ _ s’ is also out?”

* Cher says, “I may not understand” why daughter Chastity wants to become a man, but she will support the decision. “That’s okay,” said Chaz, “I still don’t understand the whole “Sonny and Cher” thing.

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On this date in 1965 the #1 song was Mr. Tambourine Man

Here's a clip from 1990 featuring members of the Byrds with a cameo of the song's writer, Bob Dylan.

YouTube Video

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News Burps

* President Obama took his daughters out for ice cream to celebrate Father’s Day weekend. The Fox News Channel immediately accused Barack of being “soft on calories.”

* After President Obama called for the Iranian government to halt the violence against protesters, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said the US can’t be in his nation’s “circle of friends.” “I don’t need your circle of friends,” replied Obama, “I know Oprah.”

* Jon and Kate Gosselin will be making a life-changing announcement tonight on a special new episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Some say they’re announcing their divorce. Others say they’re trading three of their kids for Hotties to be named later.

* “Don’t think of it as a divorce,” says TLC. “Think of it as a ‘spin-off.’”

* “If they do split,” said Madonna, “Can I have one of the kids?” Speaking of Madge, Madonna’s new adopted daughter Mercy has arrived from Malawi. Yes, Madonna did have to pay all shipping and handling.

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News Burps

* President Obama is holding a Rose Garden press conference today. “But enough about Iran and Korea. How about that Jon & Kate?!”

* Jon & Kate Gosselin filed for divorce yesterday in Pennsylvania. Insiders say the couple wants different things. She wants the fame and fortune. He wants his man-package back.

* A strong earthquake rattled Alaska Tuesday. In related news: David Letterman is preparing another apology to Sarah Palin - just in case

* Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton was bloodied up by the manager of Black Eyed Peas after getting into it with Fergie and Will.I.Am. In related news, Carrie Prejean calls the Black Eyed Peas, “My favorite band since Stryker.”

* Kevin Federline has been ordered to pay over $14,000 in back taxes. Another problem with his 1040? In the portion where it asks “Occupation” he wrote, “Ha-Ha, Very Funny!”

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News Burps

* President Obama harshly condemned the crackdown in Iran yesterday, saying: I’ll still sit down to talk with Ahmadinejad, but now I’ll do it with my arms folded and a forehead scowl.”

* Dick Cheney has signed a book deal to write his memoirs. It’ll be titled “How to Shoot Friends and Influence People.”

* Ed McMahon passed away yesterday. “He died?!” said St. Peter, “I thought he was here to tell me I won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!”

* Meanwhile, TLC has shut down production of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” for a few weeks to “regroup.” The show will be reborn in August as “Jon & Kate Plus Dates.”

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News Burps

* South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admitted yesterday that he’s been having an affair with an Argentinean woman. What’s wrong with our leaders?! Now they’re even out-sourcing the nookie!

* What happened to the days when governors bedded good ol’ American hookers and Arkansas trailer trash?

* First Senator Ensign, now Governor Sanford? When did Republicans start having sex?

* North Korea threatens to wipe the US “off the map.” OK, to the little dictator with the old lady sunglasses: “game-on shorty!”

* The $200 million “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” has opened to terrible reviews. Michael Bay wastes so much money he should change his name to “Congress.”

* TLC denies Jon Gosselin’s rumored girlfriend Deanna Hummel will appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” when the show picks up in August. However, Cloris Leachman will join the cast as Kate’s lovable daft Aunt Gertie.

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News Burps

* The mourning over the death of Michael Jackson continues:
“A devastating blow to us,” reports the Society of Cosmetic Surgeons.
“He inspired me so much,” cried Chris Brown, “Especially the song ‘Beat It.’”

* Investigators are focusing on the possibility that Michael Jackson OD’d on painkillers. Meanwhile, Howard K. Stern is claiming to be the real father of Jackson’s youngest child.

* The Jackson family ordered a second, private, autopsy over the weekend. The family and hangers-on had taken enough pieces out of Michael over the years doctors were surprised there was much left.

* Lisa Marie Presley says Michael was convinced he would die just like her father. “He knew it like he knew the nose on his own face - Okay, bad metaphor.”

* The BET Awards paid suitable tribute to Michael Jackson. Performers thanked and praised Jackson - then grabbed their crotch and squealed.

* Fabled TV pitchman Billy Mays died Sunday. When he reached the Pearly Gates St. Peter told him, “But wait. There’s more!”

* What’s going on? The Grim Reaper’s going through more celebrities than Kate Hudson’s bed sheets.

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News Burps

* Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff has been sent to prison for 150 years. A guy who sucked that much out of the economy - it’s a wonder he wasn’t sent to Congress.

* Michael Jackson’s doctor reportedly waited up to 30 minutes to call 911 because he couldn’t find a phone. Interestingly, he was able to find a lawyer in half that time.

* Joe Jackson took time out from his grieving to plug his new record release yesterday. By grieving, I mean he’s upset. Upset that his meal ticket came with an expiration date.

* Word is Michael Jackson will NOT be buried at Neverland Ranch. There are enough skeletons there already.

* Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays. Now impressionist Fred Travalena. That’s not an obituary page. That’s a Jerry Lewis Telethon.

* Jon & Kate Gosselin released a statement yesterday saying they’ve agreed to not talk to the media for a while. The preceding story item comes to you from the department of “Who Cares?”

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News Burps

* Former Saturday Night Live star Al Franken is now a US Senator from Minnesota. This follows Tina Fey becoming the Governor of Alaska.

* Sarah Palin tells Runner’s World that she could beat him in a marathon race. Sure. He’s a guy. Why would he run past her when he could stay behind and stare at her - uh, posture, that’s it, her posture?

* Mississippi remains America’s most obese state. Your first clue? Their state song is “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” Their state slogan is, “Do You Want Fries with That?”

* Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden has passed away at the age of 97. His final words: “I will now leave earth - without it.”

* Rumors are Michael wanted to draw up another will in 2008, and give the Beatles portion of his publishing catalogue back to Paul McCartney. And to give his nose back to Diana Ross.

* Kevin Jonas has proposed to girlfriend Danielle Deleasa. Danielle - or as female Jonas Brother’s fans now call her - “lucky scanky bitch!” - said yes.