All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

[KONQ RADIO]

"News Burps"
* Barack Obama got his first High-level, no-nonsense Presidential intelligence briefing yesterday. Then he called John McCain and suggested they make it two-out-of-three.

* Impeach Obama websites are already popping up on the web. Yep. Hillary has got waaay to much time on her hands.

* President-Elect Barack Obama will give his first press conference today. As is tradition, the first hard-hitting question will come from Helen Thomas: "Can you autograph my rack?"

* Washington voters approved a measure allowing assisted suicide. What do you expect from a state so gloomy its state bird is a vulture.

* Gays in San Francisco and L.A. have taken to the streets to protest Tuesday's vote in California protecting the traditional definition of "marriage" which in Los Angeles is "a temporary arrangement designed to create maximum publicity for a particular film, TV show or Rap CD."

* Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were scheduled to reunite last night and perform with Madonna at Madge's concert at Dodger Stadium. Officials are worried the tabloid convergence may be of enough force to cause the San Andreas Fault to shift.

* "All Comedy Radio" - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

"News Burps"
* Al Qaeda’s #2 guy used a racial slur against our President-Elect, calling Barack Obama a “House Negro” (or in the literal Arabic “House Slave.”) To which Obama replied, “Come on, let’s sit down face-to-face and talk about it - ”

* The Cheetah Girls were dumped from Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade after nude photos of Adrienne Bailon popped up on the net. What’s the big deal? Thanksgiving – turkey – breasts - they go hand in hand.

* NASA was forced to adjust its plans for the Shuttle Endeavor after a valuable tool bag drifted away from astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper. In space, no one can hear you curse.

* New evidence from a long-dead Germany Army medic seems to confirm a long-standing rumor: Hitler had only one testicle. So that’s where the goosestep came from!

* MSNBC Headline: “Teen Lives 118 Without a Heart.” “Waiting list to see Wizard now up to 4 months.”

* "All Comedy Radio" - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

"News Burps"

* President-Elect Barack Obama is on track to name Hillary Clinton Secretary of State after Thanksgiving. “Yeah,” says an Obama insider, “And we’re going to have her pretending to dodge bullets in war zones by Christmas!”

* Paris Hilton has broken up with boyfriend Benji Madden reportedly because she thinks he’s too controlling. Said Paris, “Whenever we had sex he insisted on holding the camera.”

* There are also reports Paris has become friendly with Prince William. Because hanging out with a camera-loving blonde hottie worked out so well for his old man.

* Madonna and Guy Ritchie are in a British courtroom this morning settling their divorce. Reports are she’s keeping all her millions. Yep. She keeps her millions and he gets his balls back.

* After 15 years, the long-awaited Guns & Roses album “Chinese Democracy” has finally arrived. It’s not the original Guns & Roses, of course. Almost as many musicians have passed through that project as have passed through Pamela Anderson’s bedroom.

* Starting Sunday, you’ll be able to find the album at Best Buy. In fact, you might find some of the original G&R band members working the registers.

* "All Comedy Radio" - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Marion, Alabama is creating an annual holiday, called “Barack Obama Day.” Instead of giving presents to each other, we’re supposed to give them to the auto companies, banks, insurance companies, state governments, city governments.

* Word is Barack Obama’s mother-in-law will be moving into the White House. Marian Robinson is tough. She’s already criticizing her son-in-law for forcing his family to move into public housing.

* Some Hollywood celebrities have gotten together to appear in a new video called “Prop 8: The Musical,” which goes after those who voted to keep marriage between a man and a woman. A celebrity lecture on marriage would mean more if celebrities could actually stay married.

* Katie Couric has a new haircut. And they say Sarah Palin had an embarrassing appearance on the CBS Evening News.

* Kevin Federline told his side of the Britney story to People Magazine. “Thanks, K-Fed” said People Magazine, “But what we really wanted was a shake and some fries.”

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[Made in the USA]

But KONQ! How dare you make fun of these people! ;)

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* For the final time, President Bush has lit the National Christmas Tree. See? He has done something bright during his administration.

* According to the CEO of Gulf Oil gasoline prices could drop as low as $1 a gallon next year. OH, THAT’S TOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!

* Executives from the Big Three automakers continued their pitch for a massive government bailout. Here’s an idea: Why don’t we instead take the same money and buy America a successful automaker for Christmas?

* Last night, Barbara Walters aired her annual “10 Most Fascinating People” special. What a difference a few years makes. In 2005, Rosie O’Donnell was THREE of Barbara’s most fascinating people.

* A Florida man is accused of assaulting his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. Police hauled the suspect away in a “Patty” Wagon. Thank you and good night.

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was busted yesterday on widespread corruption charges. Whew - thank God none of those Chicago politicians is anywhere near high national office - oh, wait. Never mind.

* Among the allegations, Governor Blagojevich is accused of trying to sell off Barack Obama’s U-S Senate seat. “What’s the big deal selling one seat,” said the Governor, “Sarah Palin tried selling a whole damn plane!”

* Fran Drescher says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton’s New York Senate seat. As if listening to politicians wasn’t annoying enough already.

* As part of the protests in support of gay marriage, today is "Call in Gay Day.” In other news, Bert and Ernie will not be appearing on today’s “Sesame Street.” No reason was given.

* There was rioting for the fourth day in a row in Greece. Lots of yelling, stomping, breaking of glass. You sure it wasn’t just a really big wedding?

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps
* Brrr. It’s cold all the way across the country. It’s so cold in Chicago, Governor Blagojevich is keeping his hands in is OWN pockets.

* Sharon Osbourne is being investigated for assault after reportedly attacking a reality show contestant who dared insult Ozzy. Reports say Osbourne grabbed Megan Hauserman by the hair - and bit her head off.

* Madonna has settled her divorce from Guy Ritchie for $76 million, including the pub the couple owns. How’s that old song go? “She got the goldmine and I got the draft.”

* Barack Obama was formally elected our next President by the Electoral College. Meanwhile, the Electoral College Marching Band will be making its first appearance next month in the Inaugural Parade.

* So what’s the big deal somebody throwing shoes at Bush? The media’s been throwing softballs at Obama all year.

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The nation’s in a deep freeze right now. It’s so cold I had to burn copies of Al Gore’s Global Warming book to keep from freezing.

* Tom Cruise is bragging about his daughter Suri’s big vocabulary. In fact, just yesterday she learned the phrase, “sperm donor.”

* Tim McGraw says he won’t run for Governor of Tennessee until he’s, quote, “a lot smarter.” “In the meantime,” says Tim, “I guess I can run for Governor of Alaska.”

* New York is adding 88 new taxes and fees to make up for their budget deficit, including a tax on music downloads and non-diet soda. How embarrassing are things getting in New York? Residents are pretending they’re from New Jersey.

* "A Charlie Brown Christmas” aired last night. In one small change, when Linus spells out the true meaning of Christmas while rehearsing for the school pageant, he was slapped with a suit by the ACLU. They want a hundred grand and the kids blanket.

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[Bubba]

The nation’s in a deep freeze right now. It’s so cold I had to burn copies of Al Gore’s Global Warming book to keep from freezing.

I love that one!