All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Happy Hanukah! Hanukah began at Sundown yesterday. You’d think a holiday that lasts eight days would have more than three songs.

* Thieves robbed Paris Hilton of $2 million in jewelry and other items after she forgot to lock the door of her mansion. Police say the lights were on, but nobody was home. Oh, and the empty house was lit up too. That's funny.

* Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich says he’s not resigning. “I will fight, I will fight, I will fight until it take my last breath,” he thundered at a news conference, “Or until you fork over 1 million in small unmarked bills.”

* According to a new biographer, Michael Jackson is very ill and in desperate need of a lung transplant. In fact, he’s so sick he turned down an offer to meet the Jonas Brothers.

* Congress has given itself a $4,700 raise. Giving Congress a raise is like giving the Detroit Lions a ticker-tape parade.
That's NOT funny.

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[Made in the USA]

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The good news? Santa flies tonight with all his presents. The bad news? His airline is charging him 25 bucks for every extra carry-on package.

* How about the frigid, frozen, snowy weather? The wind’s so bitter it should be renamed Joy Behar. Even the mercury in Jeremy Piven dipped below zero.

* The paparazzi have gotten a shot of Barack Obama showing off his pecs and abs in Hawaii. We haven’t seen six-packs like that in the White House since Billy Carter left.

* President Bush is getting an MRI for a painful left shoulder. Doctors insists with a few weeks of therapy, the President will be back to dodging footwear in no time.

* Amy Winehouse was photographed topless and looking relatively healthy in the Caribbean. You know the economy is bad when even Amy Winehouse is cutting back on her drug habit.

* Paris Hilton thinks whoever robbed her jewelry was familiar with her house and bedroom. The problem? That only narrows it down to several hundred thousand men in the greater LA area. And to all a good night!

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The Detroit Lions lost Sunday becoming the first NFL team to go 0-16. The Lions are so bad they were the first team penalized for “Unsportsmanlike Performance.”

* There were some high points for the Lions this year, for instance: None of their players shot themselves in the leg in a bar - and none is dating Jessica Simpson.

* An extra second is being added to 2008. Oh Great! Now Bush has even more time to screw things up.

* Israel is pounding Gaza in retaliation for rocket attacks by Palestinian terrorists. Israel is also targeting tunnels used by the terrorists to funnel weapons, supplies and bootleg copies of their favorite comedy classic, “Shindler’s List.”

* With Yoko’s approval digitally-recreated John Lennon is starring in a new commercial for the “One Laptop Per Child” program. In outtakes from the commercial, you can hear John say: “What the devil is a laptop?"

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter Bristol has given birth to a son named Tripp. Tripp presumably to honor the fact he was an accident.

* The baby pictures are reportedly going to fetch $300,000 from People magazine. $300,000 - in other words - one shopping spree for Grandma.

* Strong winds left 150,000 without power in Michigan. The Lions blew so bad they knocked out power in the whole state.

* Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony deny reports they plan on breaking up right after Valentine’s Day. “Shhh,” said Lopez, “It’s supposed to be a surprise!”

* They’re adding one extra second to 2008. What are you supposed to do with that extra second? I mean aside from having sex.

* All Comedy Radio - www.allcomedyradio.com

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Barack Obama has named Bill Clinton’s former Chief of Staff Leon Panetta as head of the CIA. Yes, our nation’s top spy will be a guy who couldn’t figure out his own boss was getting a Lewinsky.

* Al Franken has been certified the winner of the Minnesota Senate race by 225 votes. Giving Al Franken a US Senate seat?! Well, it can’t be any worse than giving Chevy Chase a talk show.

* According to Access Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broke up. The couple got into a violent, physical fight over New Years. Witnesses didn’t know whether to call the NYPD, TMZ - or UFC.

* The new season of “The Bachelor” premiered last night, with last season’s brokenhearted “Bachelorette” heartthrob Jason Mesnick looking for true love. The show should come with a rating. “This show is rated B. Guys watching this show are at risk of growing breasts.”

* Executions nationwide were at a 14-year low in 2008. You know the economy’s bad when we can’t afford the juice for Ol’ Sparky.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The Dark Knight was the big winner at the People’s Choice Award, winning five awards - including best movie, best action movie and Christian Bale for best use of a Clint Eastwood impersonation.

* For the first time since 1981, all living US Presidents met for lunch at the White House yesterday. 40 years ago if four old white men were with a young black guy they’d be calling him “caddie.”

* Jennifer Garner has had her second baby girl with husband Ben Affleck. Mother and baby are doing great. Ben is still a mediocre actor.

* New study shows having a big butt may be good for your health. In related news, Kim Kardashian’s life expectancy is now 170.

* Police are still investigating that Monday night UFO sighting over New Jersey. ”Aliens here in New Jersey? Ha,” said residents of Grover’s Mill, “We’re not falling for THAT one again.”

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The Florida Gators defeated the Oklahoma Sooners 24-14 and are college football’s National Champions. Meanwhile, that 4.5 earthquake in Southern California yesterday? USC fans stomping the ground in frustration.

* A moderate earthquake struck Southern California last night. It measured 4.5 and its epicenter was directly under Kirstie Alley’s treadmill.

* Barack Obama gave his first major speech since his election yesterday, laying out a new stimulus proposal costing about $775 billion. My first thought: “You can’t spend your way out of trouble.” My second thought: “Well, that diamond ring he bought his wife sure worked for Kobe.”

* “Hustler”’s Larry Flynt and Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” want the adult entertainment industry to get some of that bailout money. They might have gotten farther on Capital Hill if Francis hadn’t told Dianne Feinstein to, quote, “Lift your shirt, baby!”

[Made in the USA]

Or as the Kodiak Bear says:

Q. Do you know how Sooners practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

[Kodiak]

Or as the Kodiak Bear says:

Q. Do you know how Sooners practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

That would be correct.