All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

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News Burps

* Slumdog Millionare” won 4 Golden Globes last night, including Best Drama. Yep. Even our best movies are now being outsourced to India.

* On the television side, Tina Fey was awarded Golden Globes for her work as star and producer of “30 Rock” - and to piss Sarah Palin off.

* HBO’s “John Adams” was 4 Golden Globes for Best Mini-Series, Actor, Actress and Supporting Actor - and to piss the British off.

* The Arizona Cardinals upset the Carolina Panthers after quarterback Jake Delhomme gave up five interceptions and a fumble. That’s the worst day an NFL player’s had since OJ entered that hotel room.

* The obese now outnumber the merely overweight in America. How bad’s it getting? They’re thinking of changing our National Anthem to “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”

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News Burps

* President Bush gave his final news conference yesterday. Among his regrets, only flying over New Orleans after Katrina and not landing. Said Bush, “I woulda really liked a beignet.”

* Bush warned that there’s still an enemy out there that still wants to kill us. And a soon-to-be ex-Vice President who may accidentally shoot and kill us.

* Word is Barack Obama will close Gitmo the first week – maybe the first day – of his presidency. Stories of abuse at the terrorist detention facility continue to emerge. Just last month, several prisoners were forced to wear Detroit Lion jerseys.

* “American Idol” returns tonight! One big change: Songwriter Kara DioGuardi has been added as a fourth judge to help judge the talent - and interpret for Paula.

* San Diego woman auctioning off virginity to pay for graduate school. Bidding up to $3.7 million. We’ve checked with the people at Guinness, and yes, that would be the most ever paid for a single cherry.

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News Burps

* President-Elect Obama is going out of his way to make it an Abraham Lincoln-themed Inaugural. That’s great, Obama. But is having famous actors hanging around such a good idea?

* The Alabama NAACP is protesting the inclusion in the Inaugural parade of “Trail Maids” decked out in plantation-like Antebellum garb. Frankly, my friends, the rest of America doesn’t give a damn.

* “American Idol” returned last night. To really bring out the best in this year’s tryouts, for the first time contestants were allowed to sing in a shower.

* “Bikini Girl”? Contestant sang in a bikini and gave Ryan a hot kiss. Why not? It worked for Rueben Studdard.

* Whispers are Arnold Schwarzenegger will make a guest appearance in the new “Terminator Salvation” movie. But this time, the Governator will try killing John Connor with higher taxes and fees.

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News Burps

* After 8 years in office, President George Bush said goodbye to the nation last night. Actually what he said was, “See ya, don’t wanna be ya’.”

* A US Airways plane ditches in the Hudson River - Miraculously all survive. The cause? The plane hit a flock of geese. That’s good because initially I was worried the passengers hadn’t paid the airline’s new $25 “Land on a Real Runway Fee”

* Attorney General nominee Eric Holder said that in his opinion “water-boarding is torture.” Holder, saying he didn’t want to give away too much to our enemies, refused to reveal his viewpoint on wedgies.

* The reason Jennifer Lopez did not wear her wedding ring at the Golden Globes? “It just didn’t go with the dress.” She also has not been seen with her kids because, quote, “Spit-up clashes with my shoes.”

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News Burps

* Inauguration Festivities have already started. How cold was it at yesterday’s “We are One” Concert at the Lincoln Memorial? The finale included the old Woody Guthrie classic “This Tundra is Your Tundra.”

* Barack Obama is still refusing to totally give up his beloved Blackberry. How addicted is Obama to text messaging? Yesterday he referred to Great Britain as “our BFF.”

* Dermatologists are reporting a spike in the number of Botox procedures and the like in recent weeks. Well, in these tough times you do need to keep a stiff upper lip.

* The Arizona Cardinals will play the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl. Arizona hasn’t been this excited since John McCain’s colonoscopy.

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News Burps

* At noon today, Obama will take the oath of office with his right hand on Abraham Lincoln’s Bible. This takes place ten minutes after Joe Biden takes his oath of office with his right foot in his mouth.

* An estimated 2,000,000 are expected to be on hand to watch the Inauguration. What’s 2 million people going to be like? 1, 999,000 people yelling “Down in front!”

* The Inauguration celebration will cost around $170 million. Bush’s last inauguration cost $250 in balloons and horns from Party City.

* Dick Cheney will be in a wheelchair during the Inauguration. He pulled his back lifting moving boxes the other day. The pain was so intense Cheney actually loosened his grip on the wheels of power.

* 1991 Miss USA Kelli McCarthy is doing a porno –uh - “adult entertainment” film called “Faithless.” Oh, so THAT’S why she was voted Miss Congeniality.

[Justoo]

News Burps

* An estimated 2,000,000 are expected to be on hand to watch the Inauguration. What’s 2 million people going to be like? 1, 999,000 people yelling “Down in front!”

* The Inauguration celebration will cost around $170 million. Bush’s last inauguration cost $250 in balloons and horns from Party City.

$85 a head on guests? Expensive portapotties.

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News Burps

ACR News Burps Sampler, Inauguration Wrap-Up

* Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. You can’t help but think Washington, Lincoln and Dr. King were looking down on the scene and going - ”What the hell is that on Aretha Franklin’s head?!”

* Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the oath for Obama. Apparently NEITHER is that a good without a teleprompter.

* An estimated 2,000,000 gathered on the Mall in Washington to witness history. Namely, Oprah appearing in public with Stedman.

* Some in the crowd booed President Bush. Bush turned around and said, “Dad, I knew Jeb was your favorite, but for today can you give it a rest?!?!”

* Senator Ted Kennedy was stricken with a seizure and had to be rushed out of the luncheon on a stretcher. This made Senator Robert Byrd so upset he fell ill as well. So, no, it had nothing to do with the former Klansman watching a black guy be called “Mr. President.”

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News Burps
* President Obama was busy his first day in the White House. He halted terrorist trials at Gitmo, called Middle East leaders - and jumped like a 10 year old on the Lincoln Bed.

* According to DC officials, the crowd at the Inauguration left at least 130 tons of trash. Yes, two million people cheered their new environmentally-friendly President by turning the National Mall into a virtual land-fill.

* “American Idol” beat Barack Obama’s star-studded “Neighborhood Ball” in the ratings Tuesday night. Things got a little intense when Randy Jackson described Nancy Pelosi as being “pitchy.” Or at least we THINK the world was “pitchy.”

* The Golden Raspberry nominations - honoring the worst in film - came out. Paris Hilton received a nomination. Hilton has just not lived up to the promise she showed in her earlier, um, “homemade” films.

* An actor in Bradenton, Florida, was accidentally shot with real bullets in a gun that should have had blanks. He was rehearsing Steinbeck’s classic “Of Mice and Idiots.”

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News Burps

* Barack Obama was re-sworn in as President yesterday after Tuesday’s flubbing. Always nice to start your Presidency off with a - mulligan.

* “Slumdog Millionaire” earned 10 Oscar nominations, but some Indian groups are protesting the word “Slumdog” in the title, saying its offensive. Not to be outdone, other groups are protesting the movie “Milk,” saying it’s insensitive to the lactose intolerant.

* Caroline Kennedy has withdrawn from consideration to replace Hillary Clinton as New York Senator. Reportedly Caroline had problems with her taxes and with her marriage. Well wouldn’t that make her the PERFECT choice to replace Hillary?

* Former French President Jacques Chirac was bitten by a poodle, supposedly with mental problems. Sumo the poodle did have some issues. In therapy it kept insisting its mother was a bitch.