All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

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News Burps

* President Obama is battling with Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Obama’s thinking of adding Rush to the Axis of Evil.

* Cops in Upstate New York bust pushers selling an “Obama” brand of heroin. Not only does it give you an incredible high, it leaves you addicted to government spending.

* Portland Mayor Sam Adams said Sunday that he will not resign despite asking a teenage boy to lie about their sexual relationship. Remember when politicians only kissed babies?

* The impeachment trial of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich begins today - but Blago won’t be there. He’s going to be on “The View.” Which, unto itself, can be a trial. Just ask Ann Coulter.

* Was there a UFO at the Inauguration? That’s what a You Tube video suggests. Perhaps the UFO was pulled out of orbit by the gravitational tug of Aretha Franklin’s hat.

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News Burps

* Barack Obama has given his first formal TV interview as President…to the Arab cable network al-Arabiya” Commented the American networks: “But Barrack - loved you. We adored you. We gave you the best two years of our lives!”

* Conservative columnist Bill Kristol accepts invitation to debate Matt Damon after Damon calls him an “idiot.” Damon says he’d love to debate, but he’s too busy “plowing” Sarah Silverman.

* Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich said he considered naming Oprah to Obama’s Senate seat. Oprah says that had she been watching Blago make his remarks while on the treadmill, “I would have fallen off the treadmill.” Instead, she fell off a stack of all-you-can-eat IHOP pancakes.

* Southern California woman gave birth to OCTUPLETS Monday! (AS OF 8PM PACIFIC, BABIES AND MOM ARE STABLE) Eight babies?!?! That’s not a womb. That’s a clown car.

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News Burps
* Former President Bill Clinton made $5 million last year in speaking fees from foreign sources. And to think they could have had him for the price of a trashy brunette and a pizza.

* Sir Paul McCartney has reportedly told friends he plans to marry girlfriend Nancy Shevell. Paul’s kids are reportedly thrilled. Hey, after Heather Mills they’d be happy if Sir Paul brought Boy George home.

* Donnie Osmond spilled the beans that he’s going to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” For those too young to remember, Donnie did by himself what it takes three Jonas Brothers to do today.

* Actress Evan Rachel Wood is reportedly dating Mickey Roarke, who played her father in “The Wrestler.” My question to Miss Wood: When you suck face do you worry it’ll fall off?

* The Octuplets born Monday in California are doing well, doctors say. They also say the 8 babies came out in five minutes. It was so packed in there that they saw a crack of daylight and made a break for it.

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News Burps

* According to Perez Hilton, a rumor’s begun floating around Washington that Michelle Obama is pregnant! The evidence? The main course at her first State Dinner is “ice cream and pickles.”

* President Obama tried walking through a window at the White House yesterday. Oh, no. Al-Qaeda’s right. He IS just like George Bush.

* Congressional Democrats launch Anti-Rush Limbaugh campaign. Fortunately things are going so well in the country that Congress has the time to worry about pill-popping radio hosts.

* Not only has Starbucks announced another round of lay-offs, they’re going to stop brewing decaf after noon. What are they over there? A bunch of bean counters?”

* Democrat stimulus plan has $355 million for STD education and prevention. Well, it will create more jobs - at least of the hand variety.

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News Burps

* The Pittsburgh Steelers defeat the Arizona Cardinals 27-23 with a last-minute touchdown. What an exciting finish! It almost gave me a heart attack - well, that and the beer, the cake, the Doritos, the Chili.

* The Cardinals had clawed their way back from a 20-7 deficit to take a 23-20 lead with less than three minutes to go. Steeler fans haven’t had a fright like that since Terry Bradshaw showed off his butt in “Failure to Launch.”

* Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band were the halftime entertainment. Working on a Dream? Looks like some members of the band were working on a third helping.

* President Obama was interviewed live before the game. He said the key to victory would be for the Steelers to reach out across the aisle and talk to the Cardinals.

* There weren’t many sexy commercials like in years past - though the circus horse in the Bud ad was hot to trot.

* Pepsi Max commercial says it’s the first diet soda for men. There already is a diet drink for men. It’s called “light beer.”

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News Burps

* Today’s 50th Anniversary of “The Day the Music Died,” the day a plane carrying Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Richie Valens crashed near Clear Lake, Iowa. It’s one of the saddest days in rock - at least until Rod Stewart went disco.

* Olympic superstar Michael Phelps has apologized after being photographed taking hits from a bong, saying he showed “bad judgment.” On the downside, Phelps could lose some endorsement deals. On the upside, he’s been made an honorary Olympic snowboarder.

* The famous groundhog Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow yesterday, thus predicting six more weeks of winter. Locals watched as Phil saw his shadow - then they shot him for his fur.

* The exciting Super Bowl game was even more exciting in Tuscon. Some pornography briefly flashed flashes across TV sets during the 4th Quarter. And I thought John Madden was breathing heavy because he’s fat.

* An archeologist named Randall Price is heading to Mt. Ararat in Turkey to find Noah’s Ark. Well, good luck finding it Mr. Price. And when you do find it, good luck getting out that animal smell.

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Only one good one today. See if you can find it.

News Burps

* Barack Obama tells NBC “I screwed up” after two appointees were forced to withdraw their names because of tax problems. Well, that’s what happens when you let your picks be vetted by Rod Blagojevich.

* Small earthquake hit New Jersey Monday night. No major damage was reported, though there were some reports of cracked cement shoes.

* Denny’s restaurants across the nation were lined up with people taking advantage of the chain’s free Grand Slam giveaway. In related news, America yesterday gained seven billion pounds.

* Jessica Simpson’s family is blaming the singer’s supposed weight gain on a “bad stylist - a stylist known only as “The Colonel.”

* London restaurant tells customers to “pay what they want.” That’s the good news. The bad news? It’s still English cooking!

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News Burps

* Bill Gates releases thousands of mosquitoes at a technology conference to make a point about the spread of malaria. If there’s anybody who knows anything about bugs it’d be the inventor of Vista.

* Rapper MIA is scheduled to perform at the Grammy’s Sunday - even though Sunday is her due date. It’ll be interesting to watch - if only to see if MIA tries rhyming “epidural.”

* E! has confirmed, there will be a “Sex in the City” movie sequel. This flick will center around Carrie’s efforts to squeeze into a Size-Negative Two.

* Michael Phelps says he’s unsure about competing in the 2012 London Olympics in the wake of all the scrutiny over that photo of him taking a bong hit. ”However,” says Michael, “If the games are moved to Amsterdam I might consider it.”

* Florida man arrested for public ménage a trois with plastic blow-up dolls. The guy’s really sick. Police gave him his one phone call - and he called Mattel.

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News Burps

* At his first prime time press conference, President Obama said that Congress fails to pass his stimulus plan the nation could go from “crisis to catastrophe.” In the East he preempted “The Bachelor.” And to some women that alone constitutes a catastrophe.

* According to author Judith Warner, many women are having fantasies about having sex with Obama. You might say they’re fantasizing about his “stimulus package.”

* Alex Rodriguez admits to ESPN that he used steroids for three years while with the Texas Rangers. Why? Well, in Texas everything has to be bigger.

* Britney Spears will be giving Kevin Federline an additional $5,000 a week to allow their kids to go on tour with her. Heck, for $5,000 a week I’d be their wet nurse.

* Jewel will be competing against her husband, rodeo star Ty Murray on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. You can see on You Tube a clip of Ty at his first rehearsal: “Whataya mean the dances last more than 8 seconds!!”

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News Burps

* Today is President’s Day. A day set aside to honor those who have served in the Oval Office -- or in the case of Bill Clinton -- have been “serviced” in the Oval Office.

* The President took his bride out for a nice, soulful Valentine’s Dinner Saturday night. Barack Obama’s a smart man. He worked too hard to get to the White House to spend any part of his term in a doghouse.

* British and French nuclear subs reportedly collided earlier this month deep under the Atlantic. The subs then pulled over to Greenland and exchanged insurance information.

* Rapper MIA announced Saturday that she gave birth Wednesday…just days after performing at the Grammys. And, says MIA, “Labor was STILL not as painful as listening to the Jonas Brothers try to sing with Stevie Wonder.”

* Dispelling reports that he and Courtney Love are a couple, Mickey Roarke says “I’d rather be on a deserted island with a gorilla.” Then again, it’s Mickey Roarke. He’d probably choose a gorilla over Ginger and Mary Anne.