All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* New York Governor David Patterson wants a 4% tax on Internet porn. Of course he’s okay with a tax on porn. He’s ALREADY gone blind.

* Michael Phelps won’t face pot charges stemming from that photo of him sucking a water pipe. I don’t know if Michael’s learned the lesson. When told he wouldn’t be charged, Phelps said he was going to celebrate over at Snoop Dogg’s.

* British and French subs collided earlier this month deep under the Atlantic said a top British Admiral, “We didn’t even know the French had a MILITARY.”

* There’s a new wax figure of Britney Spears at Madam Tussaud’s. It’s so realistic, Kevin Federline hit it up for 20,000 bucks.

* Dutch researchers announced Sunday that a blood pressure pill may also on day be used to “erase bad memories.” Yes, one pill, and “poof” the Bush Administration is gone.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Biggest Surprise on last night’s American Idol? Tatiana del Toro did a really good job and seems to have discovered some of the marbles she lost during Hollywood Week. I haven’t seen Simon that shocked since Paula manufactured a complete, coherent sentence.

* Obama wants to move banks towards what he calls the “Swedish model.” Yeah, I bet there are a lot of guys who’d like to make a deposit in a Swedish Model - uh, banking system that is.

* Dick Cheney was reportedly furious at President Bush for not pardoning Cheney’s Chief of Staff Scooter Libby. ”Not true,” insists Cheney, “In fact, just yesterday, I invited Bush to go duck hunting with me.”

* Amy Fisher announced plans to go on a national stripping tour. Good. When she’s naked at least we’ll know she’s not armed.

* Michael Jackson is holding a massive, fancy auction of his personal stuff. You can bid on such things as sequined gloves, the Neverland Gate - and a pair of Macauley Culkin’s undershorts.

[Made in the USA]

Bad Konq! Funny, but real BAD!

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* The Academy is promising plenty of surprises for Sunday’s Oscar telecast. “Slumdog Millionaire” now favored to take “Best Picture”. Ironic I guess that even our best movies are now being outsourced to India.

* President Barack Obama takes his first foreign trip as Head of State to Canada. Canada?? With Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran…he goes to Canada? That’s like foreign diplomacy with training wheels.

* TMZ confirms Octomom is looking to buy 4-bedroom home for $1.4 million. Meanwhile, a family of 8 is looking to rent Octomom’s womb until they can afford a place of their own. (That's funny.)

* Toby Keith has launched his own fashion line. Toby’s nifty winter hunting jacket is stuffed with the feathers of Dixie Chicks.

* A nearly intact Columbian mammoth skeleton found in Los Angeles. It’s the biggest collection of bones found in LA since the last table read for “Beverly Hills 90210.”

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* “Slumdog Millionaire” wins 8 Academy Awards, for Best Picture and just about everything else. Director Danny Boyle thanked the people of Mumbai and, quote, “the wretched slums that made my success possible.”

* Best Actor winner Sean Peen gave a heartfelt plea for gay marriage. Which may actually work out well for him - given how he’s treated his two wives.

* The orchestra was on the stage, like it was the Coconut Club in the 1940’s. In fact, in keeping with the ‘40’s theme, they refused to give any acting awards to black people. Or even white people pretending to be black people.

* “Slumdog Millionaire’s” Frieda Pinto on the red carpet? Yet another Pinto with an explosive rear end.

* Meanwhile, at Saturday’s Razzies, honoring the worst in cinema, Paris Hilton won both Worst Actress AND Worst Supporting Actress. ”The most amazing thing,” said Paris, “I won without ever having taken a single acting class.”

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Speaking before the nation and Congress, President Obama laid out his “game plan” for the economy. The bad news? The game plan was drawn up by the coaching staff of the Detroit Lions.

* The President said we needed to seriously tackle three areas: Energy, Health Care Costs - and whatever the hell happened to ‘Greys Anatomy.”

* Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal gave the Republican response. That kid’s a governor? He looks like a lead in “Slumdog Millionare.”

* “American Idol” was pushed back to tonight to make room for the President’s speech. Maybe Obama IS a miracle worker. He managed to keep Simon Cowell quiet for 24 hours.

* Former porn queen Jenna Jameson has come out with her own perfume. It’s called “Fluffer’s Delight.”

[KONQ RADIO]

I didn't get any News Burps today so I'll pose this

Video: Advertising Age

Ads I never saw before.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* White House becoming Washington party spot under Obamas. How festive is it getting? Just yesterday, Michelle referred to the Secret Service as “Our bouncers.”

* Kanye West on VH-1’s “Storytellers”: "My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” See? Thanks to Ticketmaster, even Kanye West can’t afford to see one of his concerts.

* Los Angeles to pass proclamation making first week in March “No Cussing Week”. The proclamation has left Quentin Tarantino speechless.

* Scientists discover what causes hair to turn gray. No, it’s not teenagers. That’s what causes you to pull your hair OUT.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to come on his show & debate. Well, better that than a challenge to Sumo wrestle.

* According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards finally fessed up to wife Elizabeth that Rielle Hunter’s baby is his. Edwards had to admit the truth when the kid’s first words were “blow dry.”

* Why Aniston was Edward’s favorite “Friend.” Jennifer Aniston spent $56,000 a week on her hairdresser during the “Marley & Me” European press tour. Well, to be fair it was $1000 for the hairstyle and $55,000 to listen to her complain about Brad and Angelina.

* Bachelor Jason Resnick says he’s surprised by the negative reaction he’s gotten for breaking up with fiancé Melissa to date runner-up Molly. Meanwhile, America’s men are surprised there’s ANY reaction to ANY of this. Let’s see if we can help you relate: Remember when Brett Favre changed his mind about retiring with the Packers to go play with the Jets?

* US Weekly is reporting that Holly Madison - one of Hugh Hefner’s ex’s from “Girls Next Door” is joining the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” - perhaps replacing the injured Jewel. In Holly’s honor, they’re changing the show’s title to “Dancing with People Who Sleep With Stars.”

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Barbie had her 50th birthday yesterday. To honor the occasion Mattel introduces “Menopausal Barbie” .

* The President said Monday that human cloning is “dangerous and profoundly wrong.” *”Besides,” said Obama, “Who needs cloning when you’ve got people like Octomom?”

* “Dancing with the Stars” returned last night for its new season. As expected, Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft were named to replace the injured Jewel and Nancy O’Dell. How bad is the injury situation getting? Backstage is now a triage. Instead of judging on a scale of 1 to 10, contestants were judged as “good, fair, serious or critical.”

* Britney Spears had a wardrobe malfunction in Tampa Sunday night. Apparently a costume showed off too much of her crotch area and she was caught on a live mic complaining her crew “My (Word-that-begins-with P) is hanging out!” My, how things have changed. A year ago she would have been bragging about it.

* Chris Brown is still on the ballot for Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards. Nickelodeon is resisting calls to pull his nominations, saying it’s up to kids to decide. Nickelodeon also declared it is now up to kids to decide whether it’s okay to look at a puppy in a strangers’ van