All Comedy Radio "News Burps"

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Arrrest Warrant issued for Lindsay Lohan for violating terms of her 2007 DUI parole. Well, at least she’s wanted by SOMEBODY. According to Access Hollywood, the violation involves Lohan driving to Las Vegas for one of girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s DJ gigs. She’s not supposed to drive for anything other than work. ”But,” says Lohan, “Pretending to love that woman IS work!”

* Three arrested, six injured in stampede at auditions for “America’s Top Model” - Dozens of models took off in terror when somebody yelled, “FOOD!”

* Ruth Bader Ginsburg hinted Friday that there may soon be an opening on the Supreme Court However, Ginsburg was coy about rumors that she is planning to join the “Pussycat Dolls.”

* PETA wants to make tofu flavored with George Clooney’s sweat. I’ll pass. Even a small sample of Clooney in that Batman movie left a bad taste in my mouth.

* According to E! Britney Spears has been secretly dating her longtime agent Jason Trawick. However, under the rules of the conservatorship, Britney has to get approval from her father before having an orgasm.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* A video is being shopped around that allegedly show Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley doing cocaine. How do they know it’s Biden’s daughter? Number one, she’s doing something stupid in front of a camera.

* General Motors’ Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner steps down after being requested to resign by President Obama. Then, further exercising his newfound right to tell a private company who should be eliminated, Obama ordered Megan Joy booted from “American Idol.” Would have been the blind guy, but that wouldn’t have been PC.

* President Obama announced his plan Friday to “Disrupt, Dismantle and Defeat” al Qaeda…by intimidating them with alliteration.

* “Dancing with the Stars” injury report. Holly Madison has some painfully inflamed muscles around her ribs…or what doctors call “implanticitis.”

* “High School Musical 3” won favorite movie at the 22nd Kids Choice Awards. Kids Choice Awards also went to “staying up late,” “ice cream,” and “keeping Michael Jackson 50 yards away from our schoolyards.”

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* President Obama announced his plan to help rescue the American auto industry yesterday. Apparently a plan to nuke Japan again has been taken off the table.

* Secretary of State Hillary Clinton confirms the Obama Administration has dropped the term “global war on terror.” ”So, Madam Secretary, if not a war on terror, what ARE we fighting? “In my case,” said Clinton, “A bad pant-suit day.”

* Fox orders first reality dating show that’ll feature heavier-set people. It’s called “More to Love.” Instead of a rose, the selected girls are given a Big Mac. The eliminated contestants are given Haagen-Daz.

* After practically begging to be fired and killed off of “Grey’s Anatomy,” Katherine Heigl is now reportedly trying real hard to play nice with others and is willing to stay. Why the change of heart? Three words: Remember Shelley Long.

* Nick Cannon got Mariah Carey a Jack Russell terrier puppy to celebrate their first anniversary. Mariah’s already taught him to sit, roll over and beg. And the dog knows some neat tricks too.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps


* It’s April Fools Day - except in Washington, where EVERY day is a fool’s day.

* Yet another Obama nominee has been forced to pay back taxes. This time it’s Health & Human Services nominee Kathleen Sebelius to the tune of over $7,000. “7,000 bucks?!?” said Treasury Secretary Tim Geitner. “You amateur!!”

* Barbara Walters and Donald Trump have ended their feud. You could say their relationship has turned out Rosie.

* Star Jones tells Oprah she still views herself sometimes as a 300-pound woman. Oh, not true, Star. Not true. You’re a svelte, 150-pound annoyance.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Michelle Obama violated royal protocol Wednesday when she put her arm around Queen Elizabeth. "It's all right," said the Queen, "Beats having Bill Clinton's hand on my ass."

* The White House gave a number to call to have a telephone briefing with Hillary Clinton. Turns out the number was for a phone sex line. Now, let's pause for a moment, to let the thought of a Hillary Clinton and phone sex clear from our mind.

* Tori Spelling is looking shockingly skinny in new photos this week. Tori says she's just gearing up to play the "1" in the opening credits of "90210."

* Rosie O'Donnell and Star Jones are auctioning off a chance to have a lunch date with the two. The good news? The money's going to a worthy charity. The bad news? After those two get through there won't be any food in the place left to eat.

* Nice to see the two have buried the hatchet - right in Barbara Walters' back.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps


* Despite warnings from the international community, North Korea launched a long-range missile over the weekend. In an uncommon show of strength, the UN Security Council voted 14 to 0 yesterday to give Kim Jong Il a wedgie. China abstained.

* Barack Obama said yesterday that nuclear-free world is possible. “Not only that,” said the President, “The Cubs can win the World Series and Rush Limbaugh can be a party animal”.

* Two NYC chicken joints are under fire for using the term “Obama Fried Chicken” in their name. “It’s racist,” said city councilman Charles Barron, “but some damn fine eats.”

* The new “Fast and Furious” movie starring – once again -- Vin Diesel destroyed April box office records, bringing in a record $72 million. Why? It was the only movie out there loud enough to drown out the screeching Hannah Montana fans.

* The Major League Baseball season officially began last night in Philly. Meanwhile, the New York Mets will begin their annual late-season slide tonight in Cincinnati.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps


*During a speech in Turkey, Obama declared that the US “is not and never will be at war with Islam.” “However,” said Obama, “We are at war with talk radio, employee bonuses…and anyone who makes fun of my teleprompter!”

* Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced the Pentagon is cutting funding for some of the nation’s most powerful arms programs: Including, the F22, helicopters - and Michelle Obama’s Nautilus system.

* Samantha Ronson has broken up with Lindsay Lohan. In fact, it took five security guards to keep Lindsay from crashing a party DJ’s by Ronson this weekend. Heck, all they really needed was a sign that said “No Alcohol Served.”

* Chris Brown pled “not guilty” yesterday to two felony counts in connection with the attack on Rihanna. If he’s not guilty, what was he apologizing for? Not letting Rihanna tune the station in the Mazzerati?

* Bodyguards at Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s wedding this weekend opened fire on the paparazzi. Now THAT’s my idea of a shotgun wedding! None of the paparazzi was hit. Obviously, being slithering little reptiles does have its advantages.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps

* Manhattan DA stops plot to smuggle nuclear material to Iran using New York banks. This is where we are today: It’s easier to get nuclear material from a bank than it is a loan.

* Wax likeness of Michelle Obama unveiled Tuesday at the Madam Tussaud’s museum in Washington. The wax figure is so realistic it can do 50 pound curls.

* A day after being killed off the show “House,” actor Kal Penn announces plans to work in the White House. I guess we’ll soon know whether going into politics is a fate worse than death.

* Octomom Nadya Suleman getting her own reality show, according to In Touch Weekly. It’s called “Eight is Eight Too Much.”

* Lindsay Lohan is reportedly distraught over her breakup with Samantha Ronson, and is a fearful mess. How messed up is she? She’s distraught over breaking up with SAMANTHA RONSON.

[KONQ RADIO]

News Burps


* The White House denied yesterday that President Obama was bowing to Saudi King Abdullah at a G20 meeting last week. “Not true,” said an anonymous source, “Obama only bends over BACKWARD for these foreign leaders.”

* Somali pirates hijacked a US container ship Wednesday, but the American crew fought to retake control of the vessel. Said one of the brave Americans: “You’re not real pirates. You don’t even have an eye patch - Arrrrrgh.”

* Scott McIntyre was sent home from “American Idol” last night. Even he could SEE it was coming. His only regret? Not being able to check out Kelly Pickler in that hot little slinky thing.

* According to Star Magazine, Britney Spears has been hooking up with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Well, SANE Britney was fun while she lasted.

[Firedog]