History of the World----Part 1

[Made in the USA]

World History - As it Really Happened

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat..

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to actually work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above ..

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be taught immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals just to piss them off.

[Army_of_One]

That's pretty damned good MIT.

[Outofdodge]

Originally Posted by Made in the USA

World History - As

as MITUSA dreams

One turn deserves another ;-)

"A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RODNEY REPUBLICAN"

Rodney gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his
morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging
liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow
of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take
because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that
they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan
because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical
insurance - now Rodney gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Rodney's bacon is safe to
eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat
packing industry.

In the morning shower, Rodney reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly
labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because
some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his
body and how much it contained.

Rodney dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to
stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his
government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in
parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for
affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be
a contributor.

Rodney begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical
benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal
union members fought and died for these working standards. Rodney's employer pays these standards because Rodney's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Rodney is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker
compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think
he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Rodney needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some
bills. Rodney's deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless
liberal wanted to protect Rodney's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Rodney has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Rodney and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money overhis lifetime. Rodney also forgets that his in addition to his federally
subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Rodney is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his
farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among
the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car
safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the
house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want
to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck
his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on
Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking,
cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Rodney
wouldn't have to.

Rodney gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show.
The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are
good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against
every protection and benefit Rodney enjoys throughout his day. Rodney agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."


Ripped off from somewhere or another....

[Army_of_One]

Are those the same liberal unions that want Amnesty for the illegal immigrants? Are those the same liberal unions that are pricing themselves out of a job by demanding high wages for semi-unskilled labor contributing to auto makers and other manufactuers to move their business overseas?

[lurker]

The birth of capitalism was near the end of the bubonic plague. The unexpected loss in the supply of 'labor' left the nobility with a shortage of labor, giving labor the opportunity to negotiate for their ongoing time and service.

The prior century (1901-2000 for those who went to public skuuwel) brought the belief that giving one's time to a company would bring security in his later years.... followed by the belief that giving one's money to the gummit would bring security in the later years.

I would put my 'beliefs' in the individual before I'd believe the other two; BUT it will take a de-programming of the common man that neither business nor gummit will condone because it would show them as powerless.

[TexKan]

Well whatever - but BOTH those scenerios are hillarious.............. just damn good entertainment!!

[Outofdodge]

Originally Posted by Army_of_One

Are those the same liberal unions that want ....

Why is it when some business groups support the use of illegal immigrants it's business and when labor unions do it, it's the liberal unions?

Why is it in your mind that unions are pricing themselves out of a job when, for example, the non-union foreign owned automakers pay their US workers salary and benefits that mimic the autoworkers and seem to be thriving. The big union gains, if you want to call them that are coming in the lower wage service areas, a group that historically has had no reprenstation at the table and even fewer benefits. Explain to me how a small US maker of specialty fishing tackle can lay off an entire US non-union labor group with an average wage of 13.00/hour, move production to China at an average wage of 2.50/hour and raise prices for their premium product?

[lurker]

Are you suggesting that we (that's us, U.S.) implement price control?

[Bubba]

The government could put a stop to that by imposing high tariff's on products coming from China to level the playing field. But, then Walmart would no longer be able to sell cheap stuff.

[Outofdodge]

Originally Posted by lurker

Are you suggesting that we (that's us, U.S.) implement price control?

If that is directed towards me-no I am not. It didn;t work for Nixon, it won't work now.